A Litmus test for Those Wishing to Engage in Political Debate

Sometimes, friends ask me to give some input on a particular issue because they have an...infestation...of RWNJs and feel I can help. However, as I get older and less tolerant of clear and present BULLSHIT, I've decided on a test to ensure that those with whom I engage have a baseline political acuity equal to at least half a blade of freshly cut hay and thus have instituted a series of questions designed to ferret out members of the f'idiocracy.

*For whom did you vote in the 2004 presidential election?

*Where was President Obama born?

*Are the concepts of Communism, Socialism, Fascism, and Naziism distinct and often opposed, or can they be used more or less as related terms if not synonyms?

*Are you a conspiracy theorist of ANY stripe (Birther, Truther, Red Flagger, Grassy Knoll...uh...-er, etc)?

*Is President Obama a Muslim, Christian, Atheist, or Undecided? (And does it matter?)

*Have you even referred to President Obama as "your/the anointed one" in non-ironic fashion?

*Does Michelle Obama's "Let's Move!" program smell fascist-y?

*Thoughts on Reagan: an overrated POS whose corpse deserves to feel the sweet nectar of my piss, freshly trickled through the dirt over his grave, or; misunderstood scamp?

*Bin Laden: Alive or dead?

*The Sandy Hook School Shooting: Real event, "false flag," media misrepresentation of a drill, or other? (If "other" is chosen, please explain.)

There are CLEAR acceptable answers. Fail and fuck off. Pass and enjoy sensible debate.I'll add questions as I see fit.

(And for those whose delicate sensibilities are all a-ruffled, a reminder: Mr. Nice Liberal went away about the 8,000th time I was called a pinko-commie Nazi-socialist with fascist tendencies, a "faggot," or - and this is a personal favorite - "nigger-lover." Debate from open minded people is MORE than welcome, but if it so much as smells like someone is a Fox-bot....As far as I'm concerned, pansy-assed, POS, progenies-of-privilege like Guv'nah Ruiner, Walker, Snyder, Brownback, the apparent entirety of the goddam heinous fuckery we call "the Bush family," and the goddam goosestepping like - all of whom seem to have the empathy and intellect the Creator gave the Honey Badger - can fuck themselves and go to hell (...not necessarily in that order, of course ). They are but the palest of ghosts when compared to ACTUAL Conservatives like John Thompson, Jim Edgar, or Ike.)

Nudge me when I can spell "conservative" with a capital "C," again, and I'll be tolerant of those who've destroyed the very notion OF "conservatism."

Intro:

Hi, all. I'm an unapologetic, cantankerous, durty, rotten, stinkin', gawdam L-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-ib'ral living in the pre-historic swamplands of So. IL (which I have re-named "TeaBagistan"). Despite my track record, I can say I don't hate Conservatism at all...I *miss* it. My favorite color is plaid and I like long, slow naps on the beach. When I'm not tilting at windmills, I love photography, though, given my often ham-fisted results, I doubt you could say photography likes me. I am currently developing ways to overcome the laws of physics.

My journey started innocently enough: I plopped outta me mum and began ranting immediately, as I saw the doctor was inappropriately dressed for the occasion. More mewling followed, until I discovered "Language." After that, I waxed rhapsodic on many a topic, my soapbox-of-choice being a rather ungainly and (in hindsight) rickety set of unusually tall monkey bars. Then...the discovery of my true super power: Swearing Mightily.

I was quite the Angry Young Man for a long (some would say, "too long") time. But as the realization of Mortality has set in, I realize what a difficult, strange trip I'm on, like the rest, begging the question: how does one transition from AYM to Old Man Yelling at Clouds?
It reminds me of the time I sailed across Lake Superior on a dinghy the size of a very large shoe (why anyone thought to name that lake "Superior" is beyond me, as there are several examples of better in Minnesota and Wisconsin, including a charming, though smaller, example just outside the Fon Du Lac area named for a once proud, though little remembered by history (due to the horribly racist policies of the Jackson administration) Native American tribe, though the name escapes me now as easily and completely as did the rascally cod I tried to wrangle on Day 3 of my excursion...but I digress and wax further rhapsodic....)

Anyway, t'was early on in my water-board adventure when I stumbled upon--rather, nearly sailed over--a merchant marine floating on what can only be described as a pile of rubbish loosely bound together by what appeared to be strands of his own hair. He was resplendent in his own way: well-worn boots that had clearly seen soil from Jakharta, Tripoli, Bangladesh, and more than a few Seattle night clubs at the height of grunge; pants and shirt from an ancient Sears collection; a long, scruffy beard that popped out in every direction from his jaw, complimented by an unusually thin, wispy mustache he must have gotten from his mother's side; no hair could be seen as it was apparently tucked away under a disconcertingly jaunty red wool cap. As I barely steered clear of this unusual sight, this man began swearing at me in the most profane, yet creative, of ways. (He was obviously the Shakespeare of sailor-talk.) Called into question were the following (though not necessarily in this order as his obscene observations looped back over themselves numerous times): my character; my mother's moral certitude and chastity; my father's ability to pick out healthy cattle; my sister's ability in the art of love; the size of my dinghy, and; the legitimacy of my birth.
As I sailed ever further away from this Tasmanian Devil of a Tourette's-afflicted example of the basest human creature ever to straddle a piece of flotsam, I was so stunned I could barely make reply. Finally, my days as Captain of the debate team at a famously prestigious university I need hardly mention (though, if you are interested, I shall send my CV for your perusal) came to bear and serve me well as I crafted the most succinct, cutting, and concise comeback in the history of history. I steeled myself again' the waves of the lake (again, not exactly "Superior," but they presented a challenge to me yet-to-be-developed sea legs, as this was early in my adventure, as I said), put one foot 'pon the edge of my craft, and replied:

"Go bloviate yerself!"

Judging by his stunned silence, I can only conclude it was the first exposure to bloviation as witty rejoinder of which he'd ever been the target.

Marriage Equality in IL, Day 10: From the Front Lines

This, in a word, is hell.  Ever since the frogs started raining down over a week ago, it's been impossible to get anything done.  The dog can’t go outside, so…things…are backing up, as they say.  The Boy, unable to attend school, has gone feral.  Sweetie…well, it’s just heartbreaking the way our marriage remains thoroughly unaffected….  

At least the brimstone started coming down good-n-hard, today, so that should clear up the frogs and insects.  (The locust and flies have been competing for space, but in their Darwinian struggles, they’re getting glitter EVERYWHERE.)  Alas, there goes the brand new wicker patio furniture.  I imagine Williams-Sonoma will still expect us to pay.  Thankfully, our homeowner’s policy covers Acts of a Vengeful God.

I don’t know how much longer I can resist.  The conversion power of The.GAY was underestimated, if anything.  They’ve been more persistent than Jehovah’s Witnesses…and better groomed.  Even now, I can wear nothing but organic cotton/linen blend V-necks and skinny jeans (though the boils make custom fittings a VERY painful process).  And that shawl collared cardigan…it calls to me….  

I fear June 1st….

I fear fer ‘Mer’kuh…

SAVE YOURSELVES…you fools!

PR Tip for Local Business Owners, or: Do you like lucre, filthy AND clean?

Entertain whatever political beliefs ya want, but realize not everyone in your targeted customer base will agree, so maybe...slap some camo on your Reich-Wing nutjob talking point dumbass horseshit and also: suck it.

As many of you know, your hero and mine (that's me, sillies) forgot his ipod today, and was therefore  reduced to listening to (*cough*)commercial(*gag*)radio(*WHEEZ*) for the first time in YEARS. While that experience alone was as 1st-world horrible as you might imagine, it did expose me to something I've not gone through in a LONG time: local business advertising. 

One local business (I'll not drop its name because it would have...ltd...recognition and likely doesn't care because it can probably...af-FORD...to lose me as a customer) has a spot in heavy rotation, touting the benefits of its particular brand vs. others. The main thrust: Obama sucks, so buy something you can...af-FORD...and trust, because the other guys are somehow tied to that dang ol' ni...politician.  The spot specifically went out of its way to refer to GMC as "Gub'mint Motors" SEVERAL times because of the auto bailout from several years ago. (Of course, it fails to mention GM credited the bailout for its survival, that GM paid the money back IN FULL, and is now solvent and stronger than ever due to intelligent intervention during an historic economic upheaval brought on by deregulation and worldwide economic panic exacerbated by Bush the Lesser...but I digress and wax badass.)

The narrator THEN touts the "fact" their af-FORD-able brand didn't take a bailout, which was true...that time. However, it conveniently left out one thing: Ford (OH! WHAT A GIVEAWAY!) had kept $28B (IIRC...this ain't a research paper) in reserve from the time they DID take out a shitload of gub'mint help a few years earlier, which they used to ride out the worldwide economic calamity brought on by bush and his bidness-fellating cronies.

But that was hardly the most egregious shit-stain in the spot. 

Oh, no...they had to outdo the out-doers....

THEN, the narrator goes through a list of supposed Obama-specific failures/broken promises that read like something freshly-shat from the deepest and most crooked of Rupert Murdoch's bowels and birthed from his foul haunches: failure to turn around the economy (...yeah...the DOW went from 7,000 and falling to breaking 13,000 in just a couple of years, inflation is in check, and interest rates have fallen while the housing market has rebounded); failure to bring economic stability (see above), and failure to "bring peace to the streets of Chicago," whatever to Murgatroid THAT means....

So buy Ford...only for a...ltd...(see what I did there? Protected my ass from recrimination, I did)...time. 

Because: OBAMA-BOO!

So guess what, Fuckstick McBlowmestein? You.Ain't.EVER.Gettin'.Money.From.Me. 

P.S. Neither is any asshole who posts gunshops should display signs telling Obama voters to leave because they're too stupid to own guns. That's gonna SUCK for someone when I upgrade my duty weapon to a .45 (along with the accompanying gear) AND replace my trusty Mossburg with a Saiga.

P.S.S. Business people, you serve a WIDE range of customers. The local economy is too small to piss off very many.

Marriage Equality in IL

Today, the IL legislature takes up debate on marriage equality in my home state.  I'm sharing this with my local reps and urge you all to share your thoughts with them, as well.

Dear Rep. _______:

I'm a lifelong IL resident and have spent nearly all of that life in So. IL.  I graduated from ____ in 1986, ___ in 1991, and am currently employed as a police officer in ____.

Until the age of 18, I was as dedicated a homophobe as ever existed.  I was a jock (among other things) and raised in church, so I always knew how gay people were to be treated, even though I didn't personally know anyone who was openly gay.  While I never actually engaged in any direct bullying, myself, I certainly condoned keeping gay people in their rightful place: in hiding.  Gay people could live as they saw fit, as long as they kept that to themselves.

I've since learned how shameful, un-Christian, and un-American it is to oppress people for being nothing more than gay.  When I went to college, I actually met gay people, quickly realizing in-full their agenda: to live free, open lives while bothering no one, expecting the same treatment from their fellows in return. Within weeks of arriving on ... campus, everything I'd been taught and everything I thought about homosexuality was laid bare as naked bigotry and fear, so I returned to the words of Christ regarding homosexuality...and found He said nothing on the subject. In fact, I discovered “Love thy neighbor as thyself” ended with a period, not an asterisk. Many of my college friends happened to be gay and I learned a great many lessons, including not one of them CHOSE to be gay any more than I CHOSE to be straight and each had an extraordinarily difficult struggle when they realized they were indeed born gay. Interestingly, none of them tired to “recruit” me into the "gay lifestyle," either.

I happen to be straight, but I still know to the core of my being that no American should be treated as a second-class citizen. The 1st Amendment clearly states “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof....” Many churches and denominations fully recognize gay marriage as what it is: marriage. Therefore, the government has no right to tell two consenting adults what kind of social contract they can arrange for themselves, nor can it tell a church what it may or may not recognize as a holy union, so long as no one else's fundamental rights are at risk. No one's rights are violated by two gay people making a public commitment to grow old together.

I consider the last 26 years of my life to be penance for the first 18.  It is absolutely wrong to allow this inequality to continue, so I urge you to vote in favor of marriage equality so that our fellow Illinoisans may pursue their happiness without interference from their government.

Thank you for your consideration...and go 'Cats.

Celebrating Columbus

Welcome to America. Before we connect you to a Survive the Winter representative, please choose from the following options:

*Press 1 for Algonquin.

*Press 2 for Cherokee.

*Press 3 for Muskogean.

*Press 4 for Mahican.

*Press 5 for a list of Delaware dialects.

*Press 6 for a list of Iroquois dialects.

*Press 7 for a list of Abnaki dialects..

*Press 8 for a list of berries your dumb ass shouldn't eat.

*Press 9 for more options.

FUN! with Forwarded Right-Wing WORK E-mails!

I don't always respond to ridiculous right-wing hate mail sent to me through my work's e-mail network, but when I do, it goes a l'il summin-summin like this:

"While I realize nothing penetrates the right-wing bubble, on the off-chance there are people on this list who MIGHT pretend to be open minded, let's just take each of these idiotic pieces of...whatever ya wanna call 'em...in turn.  I've numbered them for easy reference.

1.  Clever.  Almost as clever as the architect who designed the pole barns in the background.

 

 2.  " The idea that we’re all in it together — that I am my brother’s keeper; I am my sister’s keeper — that is a value. But they’re still talking about you as if you’re some greedy special interest that needs to be beaten. Since when are hardworking men and women special interests?" ~President Obama. 

That looks like a whole LOTTA "We the people."

Or do you prefer Romney's nugget: "All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. That that's an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what.... These are people who pay no income tax. Forty-seven percent of Americans pay no income tax."

3. Jesus also worked for change; so did Gandhi; so did George Washington.  Damn socialistic commie/nazi/fascist hippies....

 

4. Birthers are the lowest form of political scum in America, but let's address that thinly disguised racist tripe, briefly: what birthers peddle is that in the late fifties and early sixties, a group conspired to plant fake paperwork in the state of Hawaii JUST IN CASE a bi-racial child of a broken home might just be able to become president and...and what?  Increase foreign aid to Kenya?  Uh...make us all "socialists"?  Get rid of the Kardashians...?

 5. Ah, St. Reagan.  The guy who was a former president of a union (SAG) and raised taxes 11 times while exploding the federal budget and deficit.  *sniff*

6. No.  I'm embarrassed actual Conservatives (note the capital "C") didn't reel in horror from the reckless Bush years, go back to their roots and come back this year with an Eisenhower Republican.   

Let me get this straight...the last time we elected a privileged, rich, "businessman" who inherited MILLIONS and leaned on his alleged religious beliefs,  he got 8 years to create the smoking crater that used to be the U.S., but the B.L.A.C.K. guy gets just THREE and change to try to fix it and some people wanna replace him with an even MORE privileged jackass who wants to return to then double-down on the dumbass policies of Dubya.

Do I have that right...?  

To re-phrase: HELL, NO, I'm not embarrassed I voted for President Obama!  Can't WAIT to do it again!

 

7. She keeps using words to which she clearly doesn't know the meaning.  If Obama's a "Marxist," he's the worst one EVER, considering the DOW and NASDAQ are near historic highs, as are corporate profits.  And if he wants to be a "dictator," y'all wanna explain how every POS tea party member in the House STILL has their head on their shoulders and not on a pike outside the capitol?

 

8. How do I like my change?  Just fine, thanks.  I like my GMs alive and bin Ladens dead.  "And, also," to quote Sarah Palin, I still have all my precious guns and can talk all the crap I want without fear President Obama's drones are listening. 

To the owner of that sign and all who give credence to its "message": Grow a pair, moran [sic].

 

9. Stimulus worked; more terrorists killed in Obama's first TWO years than all of Bush's eight; not according to auto maker CEOs and stockholders; not according to the private insurance cos.; only for children smuggled or otherwise brought here by parents without breaking laws themselves AND the DREAM Act was/is a republican idea, and; that's a REPUBLICAN idea, too.

10.  America's broke, huh?  Then how the HELL are we paying for wars started by Dubya AND giving money to Israel?

11. If you didn't whine about Dubya turning a balanced budget into a record deficit within his first two years...shut yer Koch-hole.

 12. So was Mitt Romney...until he wasn't...except in the case of rape & incest...dammit, now he's not.

13. Wow.  Nice plagiarism.  In 1982, Michael Barnes told a gathering of roughly 150 union leaders that, "for a working man or woman in this country to vote Republican in 1982 would be like a chicken voting for Col. Sanders."  Holds true today....

14.  Racist much? 

*Anti-Choice? Don't have an abortion. 

*Don't like gay marriage?  Don't marry a gay person. 

*Hate taxes? Send President Obama a thank-you card for the multiple tax DECREASES he's given the middle class, including the payroll tax credit.  (Psst: that last one is the one Mitt wants to take back while giving HIMSELF another tax break.) 

*I still have ALL my guns and we have NO new regulations. 





Betcha no one but me has the guts to forward THIS."

And remember: always, ALWAYS hit "Reply All."

Inspirational Newt

I
There once was a fella named Newt
Who coveted all of the loot.
With a smile on his face
And no hint of disgrace
He'd give his 3rd wife The Big Boot.


II
There once was a fella named Newt
Who did seem like quite the galoot.
With a mouth well past full
The strings he did pull
And made Herman Cain go kaput.

III
GINGRICH!  One hell of a name!
Made others sit back and exclaim:
"With a name spelled like that -
And an apron so fat -
Our passions he he can't help inflame!"

IV
With Eye of Newt, Spawn of Hate,
The Other we all should berate.
But when it is known
How much he did owe,
They'll all say, "Not HIM! We will wait!"

Well, Allow Me to Re-TORT....

A friend of mine sent me one o' them "funny" chain e-mails a few days ago.  In it, the original "author" relayed the "hilarious" story of a gun-suckler who lived next to a liberal (I pointed out we prefer the term "DurtyStinkin'Commie-Fasco L-l-l-l-ib'ral) who liked to stir the pot.  The fetishist put a sign in his yard with the following text:

"BURGLARS!  My neighbor is a gun-control advocate.  Feel free to rob him, but THESE premises are protected by guns."

The sign had a large arrow on top, pointing to his neighbor's house.

OH, the HEE-LARITY!  However, as a gun-owning DurtyStinkin'Commie-Fasco L-l-l-l-ib'ral, I thought of an appropriate response:

"BURGLARS!  My neighbor has a LOT of guns which you can easily trade on the black market for drugs or money!  And he's a TERRIBLE shot."

The arrow would point right back at him....

The 2nd Amendment goes both way, bitches, even if DurtyStinkin'Commie-Fasco L-l-l-l-ib'rals don't view it as a religious document.  And I'm sorry about the size of your penis, morans [sic].

Of Mama Grizzlies & Messages

A bear and a rabbit are relieving themselves near each other in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and politely asks, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit, thinking it an odd question, warily replies, "No." The bear says, "Well, that's good," grabs the rabbit, thoroughly wipes it's own ass, then tosses the rabbit aside as it walks deeper into the woods.

Palin (along with all of f*x (ItAin't)News, beck, et al) is a scatological mama grizzly and your everyday, run-of-the-mill republican is her rabbit.

/scene

Scenes from Geo. W. Bush's "Book" Tour, Pt. 1

A Tea-Bagger is Borned  [Best read aloud]

"Heh heh...jist read th' book. Aifter Ah read uncle dickie's notes fer his VP/S&M memoir, Ah 'membered how Ah bawl-gagged Say-Damn H00-sain inta almost tellin' me where them ol' DubyaMDs were...um, was...were...at.  Mommy wouldn't let me use her-n-pappy's favorite, so Ah had'tuh improverize with an ol' football an' some duck duct tape.   But that ol' moose-lim wuz a tough nut ta crack, which is exactly whut Ah tol' 'im: 'Say-Damn, you are one tough nut tah crack!'  That gave me an idear....  So Ah took off m'chaps, then m'Wranglers loose fit jeans, then put m'chaps BACK on...aind assumed th' position tuh contin-yuh the inter'gations....

"Heh heh....  Ah jist 'membered a funny detail: SH didn't have no gag reflex, which prob'ly explains why he never tol' me where them ol' DubyaMDs were...um, was...were...at.  Heh heh...coulda used him at summa mah frat parties cuz th' goats couldn't handle...*

Never mahnd that shit now...mommy's a-callin'. Prob'ly wants ta show me another jar in her prahvate collection...."

And Now, an Excerpt From the Holy Scriptures*

A passage from the words of Christ, as recorded in chapter 19, Gospel of Matthew*, verses 16-21.

19.  And, behold, one came and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?

And He said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.

20.  He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said:

Thou shalt do no murder, unless it take the guise of an illegal war based on falsities.  (Verily, get thee to force others to do thy oppressive business.);

Thou shalt not commit adultery more than two score times;

Thou shalt not steal, unless it be from stockholders and taxpayers;

Thou shalt not bear false witness, unless it aids thy lust for power;

Honor thy father and thy mother, unless they vote Democrat, and;

Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself…with the following exclusions: foreigners, the GAY, kikes, wops, micks, welfare queens, intellectuals, integrators, vegetarians, anybody “brown”, (hath I mentioned The GAY?) l-l-l-l-ib’rals, people who fail to buy American, pansies, those thou dost deem “less” than thee, socialists, those that drive a hybrid or compost, (I hath covered The GAY, yes?) and most of all: black presidents.

21.  Lo, I say unto thee, it is easier for such as these to overcome the security system of  a BMW or take yer jobs than be loved by the Father…even though He made them, too.

Go forth and doest thou likewise and thou shalt have an eternal place at the seat of power.




* Tea Bagger Edition, abridged and corrected.

A GOP Successory

This is just a quick-n-dirty rough edit......

Of Tea-Baggers 'n' Protesters

Let’s try a thought experiment:

A self-identified protester shows up to yet another event of a candidate or cause. Said protester is identified by supporters of the candidate/cause as this particular protester has been to several previous events, is known to security and volunteer staff, and is carrying a sign that clearly displays (as usual) clear distaste for the candidate. Said protester is also wearing an apparently intentionally crude costume intended to reinforce the protest.  Five goons (not Joe "I Gots Me a Problem with the Truth" Miller's crack(head) "security team") who are neither cops nor security surround said protester and start muttering veiled threats like, "We are here to do crowd control we might have to take someone out." Said protester tries to flee the threat and an honor beating ensues.

You may have a spark of recognition: this was no thought experiment; this actually happened.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bob-cesca/when-in-doubt-they-beat-u_b_775094.html

Now don't get me wrong: IF a protester charges a candidate‘s vehicle and takes any threatening action toward the candidate (which she didn't), I have no problem with a couple of cro-mags blocking her way or even restraining her, then letting security or cops nearby handle the situation.

But that's not what happened.

As she initially ran up to paul’s car, she was blocked by his security staff, who quickly and rightly determined she was no latter day Squeaky Fromme, just another protester.  After that, she was trying to run away from the Viagra-dependent brain-stemmers who decided paul’s security and law enforcement failed in their duties, so they took matters into their own hands…or feet….  Once the protester was caught, she offered NO RESISTANCE WHATEVER.   She was then, for some inexplicable reason, forced to the ground, whereupon two of these backwater ass-thumbers launch some pot shots at a non-combative, fully subdued protester.  SHE gave up; THEY escalated.

Nice job, He-Men.  Jesus will stamp your Man-card now.  (But He’s gonna beat the Dumb outta you with his whip soon thereafter.)

Now if a tea-bagger charges a Dem's car and goes for an open window, one would be batting with the averages to assume said pants-shitter might be about to exercise their "2nd Amendment rights," so the danger is distinctly different.  (When’s the last time progressive protesters showed up to a palin rally with assault rifles en masse ?)  The collective Ignorami and its whores of complicit republican candidates and cheering pundits have repeated veiled threats of violence so often and with such impunity I think we must consider them armed and brainless: dangerous and stupid is a potentially lethal combination.

What I and anybody with a fully developed frontal lobe (so tea-baggers and all their defenders are right out) find objectionable in this particular incident is when the obviously subdued and non-resistant woman gets three cheap shots from two of the dipshits, one of which results in her head smacking into the curb.  What I and anybody with a fully developed frontal lobe find objectionable about the tea-baggers in general is their fetishistic enslavement to the idea some ‘Mer’cans are “real” and others - those who disagree with them - are subject to the mewling minority’s violent heel.

Assholes like tea-baggers are the reason that I'm voting straight ticket for the 1st time in my life.

Fuck tea-baggers.

Fuck candidates who embrace, defend, or at least fail to rePudiate them repeatedly.

Tea-Bag America: What’s In It for Me

I practically drool at the chance to rail against tea-baggers and their id-dominated, fact-challenged, hypocritical hordes.  (Litmus test: Where were all these douche bags in 2002?  2003?  2004? 2005?  Fini.)  I relish the very thought of giving them a taste of their own medicine:  casting aspersions on their “ideas” (and I use the term as loosely as the GOP has used them); insulting their costumes; mocking the legitimacy of their birthing/hatching/budding, and; farting in their general direction.  (I realize such an approach forces me to lower myself to the level of mentally imbalanced Cro-mags, but sometimes one must indeed stoop in order to conquer…or just bash.  I‘m fine with either.)

Glenn beck, Grand High Poobah of the Legion of Dumbfuckery (a.k.a. the "Tea Party"), recently called out the family in TN who lost their mobile home in a fire while a private subscription service fire department responded…only to stand idly by as the family home burned to the ground and their pets died inside.  Why?  The family was late paying the $75 annual fee for fire protection.  (See also: Racketeering.)  While the more sensible among us engaged in "compassion," Beck and loads of his minions held this out as a perfect example of what happens when you don’t play by the rules and fail to pay your fair share.  (Lost on every smear of the stains left by the single-cell thought-like process shared by Beck’s Drecks is the county could’ve taxed the citizens OF that particular county an additional 0.13 per year based on property values and funded a professional, public fire department.  C’est la chickenshits.)  While that alone is bad enough, Beck and his loyal sidekick - whose name I neither know nor have the inclination to Google - started mocking these people, parading them across his national stage in order to do nothing but subject them to national embarrassment while they had absolutely no platform from which to defend themselves.  (A sidebar: I’m fairly certain that makes Beck an “elitist.”  …and a pansy….)

My natural first reaction was, of course, to:

*gag*cough*sputter*choke*asphyxiate*expire*be mourned by fam-n-friends: all so I could roll over in my OWN GODDAM GRAVE*self-resurrect*back to slingin' the vitriol*

...but not JUST at Beck, from whom I expect such drivel.  The firefighters - wait, that’s not the right term….  Fire…mercenaries?  Firemercs?  OK, the people who showed up with all the equipment and presumably expertise to put out a mobile home fire said they were simply following “orders.”  (Ibid, Nuremberg Trials; op cit, Iran-Contra.)  As an ACTUAL public servant (as opposed to a service merchant), I understand the importance of following orders…but I also understand a public servant’s right and responsibility to DISOBEY orders when such orders are illegal, unethical, or flat-out immoral.  At least ONE of those guys should’ve had the sack to turn just ONE hose toward what was early on a manageable fire and put it out, orders be damned.

But then…EPIPHANY!  A society in which every citizen pays for every service on either a subscription or pay-as-you-go basis (a Tea-Bagger paradise) is PERFECT for a guy like ME!

Disband the filthy s-s-s-s-s-socialist union!

Get rid of the “paycheck” system that rewards employees equally, regardless of productivity!

Pay me based SOLELY on individual, measurable performance.  Public service on a commission basis…

Each enforcement action garners a 20% commission.  (Why 20%?  It’s what the market will bear, of course.)  A seat belt ticket puts $12 in my pocket.  Speeding?  $24.  Operation of an Uninsured MV?  Oh, that’s damn near college tuition.  (I would also get 20% commission on any court fees, since my find started the whole process.)  Each offense would be necessarily monetized in such a way, but ya get the basic concept.

Here’s an easily achieved scenario: Writing three speeding tickets an hour for seven hours (allowing one hour to make the appropriate computer entries) means I would make $504 per shift.  Figure at least a warrant arrest a week earns the finder 20% of the most common bond amount ($1000), plus a commission for each  felony arrest based on a Table of Severity and voila!  Pay ME as I go gets me to about $15,000 a month…$225,000 per year.  (I couldn’t be docked simply because someone beat a ticket, criminal charge, or got a warrant quashed, either: such things fall under the purview of the State’s Attorney, so go after HIS check.  It would be my job to CATCH, not clean.)  Combine that with a Tea-Bagger's philosophy on taxation and I could retire comfortably* in just a few years.

In other words: Bring.It.ON!

Oh, I DO relish a Tea-Bag America!  One in which we ALL finally embrace Social Darwinism!  Back to the L-a-a-a-a-a-a-w of the West!  Survival of the Fittest!  We could finally get rid of those stupid borders, too.  After all…as ‘Mer’kins, we can surely beat back a wave of people willing to work longer, harder and for less pay because…well, cuz we’re ‘MER’KINS, dammit!

As the Tea-Baggers (those REAL Merkins**) would put it: “THEY” ain’t “US,” morans!





*     But it won't be here...Too many batshit crazy 'baggers....
**   Please don’t google that term….

The Pledge to America, abrigded and corrected, Pt. 1

America IS more than a country.  

America is an idea – an idea that free people can govern themselves (as long as we can manipulate their unrealistic fears), that government’s powers are derived from the consent of the governed (unless we didn't win), that each of us is endowed by their Creator with the unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (unless your definition of happiness violates our delicate sensibilities).  America is the belief that any man (preferably white and/or rich) or woman can – given economic, political, and religious liberty – advance themselves, their families, and the common good of the rich and corporate.

America is an inspiration to those who yearn to be free and have the ability and the dignity to determine their own destiny...unless they're foreigners.  Fuck them, no matter what that Frenchie slut in NY harbor says.

Whenever the agenda of government becomes destructive of these ends, WE'LL BE THERE!

These first principles were proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence, enshrined in the Constitution, and have endured through hard sacrifice and commitment by generations of Americans....and slavery...and genocide...and an economic system that insulates the wealthy and connected from real competition.

In a self-governing society, the only bulwark against the power of the state is the consent of the governed, except when we don't like the results of the legal and verified elections.  Then, we pledge to whine and bellow until we get our way.  Regarding the policies of the current legally elected government, the governed do not consent....except that they overwhelmingly did just a couple of years ago.  Thank the Creator for our abilities with monkey wrenches real and metaphorical!

An unchecked executive, a compliant legislature, and an overreaching judiciary have combined to thwart the will of the people and overturn their votes and their values, striking down longstanding laws and institutions and scorning the deepest beliefs of the American people.  So we ask that you once again give US the unchecked executive, compliant legislature, and overreaching judiciary.  We pledge it'll work THIS time!

An arrogant and out-of-touch government of self-appointed elites makes decisions, issues mandates, and enacts laws without accepting or requesting the input of the many...which is totally cool as long as it's US, of course....

Rising joblessness, crushing debt, and a polarizing political environment are fraying the bonds among our people and blurring our sense of national purpose, which boogey-men we have flogged and flogged and flogged until a bunch of you discovered the implied permission to act like the intellectual children you are.

Like free peoples of the past, our citizens refuse to accommodate a government that believes it can replace the will of the people with its own. The American people are speaking out, demanding that we realign our country’s compass with its founding principles and apply those principles to solve our common problems for the upper 2% good.

The need for urgent action to repair our economy and reclaim our government for the people cannot be overstated.  BUT we're doing it anyway.  We're also lying about it, just to be safe.  Seriously, y'all will swallow anything...almost.

With this document, we pledge to dedicate ourselves to the task of reconnecting our highest aspirations to the permanent truths of our founding by keeping faith with the values our nation was founded on, the principles we stand for, and the priorities of our people. This is our Pledge to America, written in the freshest of flung poo.

We pledge to honor the Constitution as constructed by its framers and honor the original intent of those precepts that have been consistently ignored – so start saving to get some slaves so you can have durty s-s-s-s-s-ex with them and tell no.one.  Also, if you've been eying your neighbor's land but he hasn't been gracious enough to simply leave it to you, it will again be legal (and justified under God's sweet, sweet will) to simply kill them and take it...after raping the women, of course.

We pledge to advance policies that promote greater liberty, wider opportunity, a robust defense, and national economic prosperity...as long as you can afford the membership.

We pledge to honor families, traditional marriage, life, and the private and faith-based organizations (well, the ones we AGREE with, anyway) that form the core of our American values because we are VERY concerned with what you do with YOUR crotch.  We're watching, you pervies...delicious, succulent pervies....

We pledge to make government more transparent in its actions, careful in its stewardship, and honest in its dealings.  To promote this approach, we will tailor some new clothes for the once and future Emperor!  That's why many of our newer candidates have lots of these "tits" you so like:  TRANSPARENCY NOW!!!!!

We pledge to uphold the purpose and promise of a better America, knowing that to whom much is given, much is kept in long-term tax shelters and speculative financial derivatives that can be sold off juuuust before the bottom drops out.

We make this pledge bearing true faith and allegiance to the people we represent*, and we invite fellow citizens** and patriots*** to join us in forming a new governing agenda for America: Exactly the SAME agenda we had before, but we pledge it WILL WORK THIS TIME! 

*We do not represent 98% of you, so stop asking, you filthy, unwashed workers!  LOOK!  ATHEIST FAGS-N-DYKES GOT YER GUNS!!!!!!  Don't forget to vote!


**Citizens must be prepared to show proof of status.  White skin and/or lotsa liquid assets shall be prima facie evidence of legal status.


***No Dems allowed.

Revisiting Newt Gingrich, Flaccid American

Newt Gingrich: American politician, author, chicken-hawk, faux-conservative, and a flaccid dick.

Newt started life as a bastard, born out-of-shotgun-wedlock to a 16 year-old harpy and a 19 year old gelding in 1943, plopping into the world June 17. He promptly slapped his mother for being a single mom, berated the doctor for being a “fer’ner,” and told his gelding father “Get a job, deadbeat!” Thus, the transformation from mere bastard to dick began in earnest.

The first hard evidence to the world-at-large of Newt’s burgeoning
dickish nature is the fact he survived Grammar School with a name like “Newt” paired with a surname like “Gingrich.” (It doesn’t help that “Newt” is short for “Newton,“ either.) Millard Fillmore Junior High records show other such foul-named taunt-targets as Saxby, Nigel, and George failed to make it past Day 3 on the playground without chronic noogies, but Newt inexplicably thrived. (Attempts to locate “Knuckles” McPhee--MFJH’s most notorious and prolific bully--to explain this phenomenon have been unsuccessful. However, according to a scrawled, cryptic message found on the recently unearthed 7th grade boys’ bathroom, “Knuckles” may have met an untimely end by swirley.) His high school career was unremarkable save two awards: Best Turkey-Neck, and; voted Most Likely to Eat His Own Young. Newt received no grades, only the marks, “Get this MFer outta my class!”

During his undergraduate years studying the effect of Lizard-Think on Economics and Fer’ner Affairs, Newt discovered “girls,“ though his experimental endeavors on that subject have been lost to Time as witnesses failed to survive or are unwilling to come forward. His graduate thesis--Worrying More About What People Do In the Privacy of Their Own Bedrooms (Cuz I Ain’t Getting’ Any)--won rave reviews among remaining proto-humans, aka Young Republicans.

Newt is a loud, staunch voice for “Family Values,” valuing families so much, he’s created three of his own along the way. An early family, created with Jackie Battley, gave opportunity to show his early dedication to empathy by divorcing her while she was battling cancer. However, rather than elevating him to Colossal Prick status as might be expected by such a bold move, he became a mere Dick, Common Flaccid by reportedly trying to get her to sign a handwritten settlement while she was in the hospital recovering from related surgery. As might be expected from one of such a name, Newt is all-class, babe.

A short time after divorcing Battley, Newt corralled another lobotomized filly in 1981, Wyf #2. In a fantastic display of a man’s reach exceeding his grasp, he actually groomed Wyf #3 while married to Wyf #2, via extramarital affair. When asked what first drew her to Newt the Flaccid, Wyf the 3rd mumbled something unintelligible through a Quaalude-induced fog. She then slobbered a bit. Newt’s personal mantra seems to be, “Third Time’s a Charm (especially with pharmaceuticals and vodka.)”

Newt’s political career and accomplishments can rest on their respective sphincters, needing no further glorification here. To sum up: he single-handedly saved America during the Clinton years. “The Contract On America” was a watershed moment.

Newt’s personal interests include hardcore Bulgarian necrophilia porn, hypocrisy as an art form, genital self-mutilation, and discovering the tensile strength threshold of his lower abdominal wall. It’s widely rumored he was the original inspiration for the South Park character of Mr. Garrison, just so “Suck my balls, Mr. Garrison” could be uttered.

Newt the Flaccid is scheduled to go supernova in 3... 2... Duck.

A Ditty for a (Not So) Pretty (Not So) Little Liar

There once was an ass from Wasilla
Whose lips gave a rise to some fellas.
She played on some fears,
Then said with a sneer:
"My boobs are my brains, so they're jealous."

Go ahead...refudiate THAT.

Look at Your Tea-Bagger.....

Hello, ladies.
Look at your tea-bagger.
Now look at me.
Now back at your tea-bagger-
Now BACK to me.
Sadly, they aren’t me.
But if they stopped using words incorrectly
And switched to Intelligent Argument
They could sound like they’re me.

Look down.
Back up!
Where are you…?
You're in a conversation
With a man your tea-bagger could sound like

What’s in your hand?
Back at me…
I have it!
It’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing.you.love……
Look again.
The tickets are NOW diamonds
Anything is possible when you have reasonable debate based on fact,
Not cowardice.

I’m on a horse.

That Cra-Zay Ike!

A friend sent a quote to me recently, reminding me why the current crop of conservatives (PSST:  They aren't really conservatives--they just play them on TV.  Totally.Welcome!) leave me in a swearing, lathered heap every time they open their gaping hate-holes.


"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.

This world in arms is not spending money alone.

It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.

The cost of one modern heavy bomber is this: a modern brick school in more than 30 cities.

It is two electric power plants, each serving a town of 60,000 population.

It is two fine, fully equipped hospitals.

It is some 50 miles of concrete highway.

We pay for a single fighter with a half million bushels of wheat.We pay for a single destroyer with new homes that could have housed more than 8,000 people.

This, I repeat, is the best way of life to be found on the road the world has been taking.This is not a way of life at all, in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron."

--> Crazy socialist and renowned hippie, Dwight D. Eisenhower.

(Psst to the asshats: he was a Republican. ;))

Someone forward this to Sarah "Got Putin?" p*lin and her frothing minions ASAP.  Ike was a pragmatic conservative and had the mentality of a grown-up.