Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Celebrating Columbus

Welcome to America. Before we connect you to a Survive the Winter representative, please choose from the following options:

*Press 1 for Algonquin.

*Press 2 for Cherokee.

*Press 3 for Muskogean.

*Press 4 for Mahican.

*Press 5 for a list of Delaware dialects.

*Press 6 for a list of Iroquois dialects.

*Press 7 for a list of Abnaki dialects..

*Press 8 for a list of berries your dumb ass shouldn't eat.

*Press 9 for more options.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

FUN! with Forwarded Right-Wing WORK E-mails!

I don't always respond to ridiculous right-wing hate mail sent to me through my work's e-mail network, but when I do, it goes a l'il summin-summin like this:

"While I realize nothing penetrates the right-wing bubble, on the off-chance there are people on this list who MIGHT pretend to be open minded, let's just take each of these idiotic pieces of...whatever ya wanna call 'em...in turn.  I've numbered them for easy reference.

1.  Clever.  Almost as clever as the architect who designed the pole barns in the background.

 2.  " The idea that we’re all in it together — that I am my brother’s keeper; I am my sister’s keeper — that is a value. But they’re still talking about you as if you’re some greedy special interest that needs to be beaten. Since when are hardworking men and women special interests?" ~President Obama. 

That looks like a whole LOTTA "We the people."

Or do you prefer Romney's nugget: "All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. That that's an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what.... These are people who pay no income tax. Forty-seven percent of Americans pay no income tax."

3. Jesus also worked for change; so did Gandhi; so did George Washington.  Damn socialistic commie/nazi/fascist hippies....

4. Birthers are the lowest form of political scum in America, but let's address that thinly disguised racist tripe, briefly: what birthers peddle is that in the late fifties and early sixties, a group conspired to plant fake paperwork in the state of Hawaii JUST IN CASE a bi-racial child of a broken home might just be able to become president and...and what?  Increase foreign aid to Kenya?  Uh...make us all "socialists"?  Get rid of the Kardashians...?

 5. Ah, St. Reagan.  The guy who was a former president of a union (SAG) and raised taxes 11 times while exploding the federal budget and deficit.  *sniff*

6. No.  I'm embarrassed actual Conservatives (note the capital "C") didn't reel in horror from the reckless Bush years, go back to their roots and come back this year with an Eisenhower Republican.   

Let me get this straight...the last time we elected a privileged, rich, "businessman" who inherited MILLIONS and leaned on his alleged religious beliefs,  he got 8 years to create the smoking crater that used to be the U.S., but the B.L.A.C.K. guy gets just THREE and change to try to fix it and some people wanna replace him with an even MORE privileged jackass who wants to return to then double-down on the dumbass policies of Dubya.

Do I have that right...?

To re-phrase: HELL, NO, I'm not embarrassed I voted for President Obama!  Can't WAIT to do it again!

7. She keeps using words to which she clearly doesn't know the meaning.  If Obama's a "Marxist," he's the worst one EVER, considering the DOW and NASDAQ are near historic highs, as are corporate profits.  And if he wants to be a "dictator," y'all wanna explain how every POS tea party member in the House STILL has their head on their shoulders and not on a pike outside the capitol?

8. How do I like my change?  Just fine, thanks.  I like my GMs alive and bin Ladens dead.  "And, also," to quote Sarah Palin, I still have all my precious guns and can talk all the crap I want without fear President Obama's drones are listening. 

To the owner of that sign and all who give credence to its "message": Grow a pair, moran [sic].

9. Stimulus worked; more terrorists killed in Obama's first TWO years than all of Bush's eight; not according to auto maker CEOs and stockholders; not according to the private insurance cos.; only for children smuggled or otherwise brought here by parents without breaking laws themselves AND the DREAM Act was/is a republican idea, and; that's a REPUBLICAN idea, too.

10.  America's broke, huh?  Then how the HELL are we paying for wars started by Dubya AND giving money to Israel?

11. If you didn't whine about Dubya turning a balanced budget into a record deficit within his first two years...shut yer Koch-hole.

 12. So was Mitt Romney...until he wasn't...except in the case of rape & incest...dammit, now he's not.

13. Wow.  Nice plagiarism.  In 1982, Michael Barnes told a gathering of roughly 150 union leaders that, "for a working man or woman in this country to vote Republican in 1982 would be like a chicken voting for Col. Sanders."  Holds true today....

14.  Racist much? 

*Anti-Choice? Don't have an abortion. 

*Don't like gay marriage?  Don't marry a gay person. 

*Hate taxes? Send President Obama a thank-you card for the multiple tax DECREASES he's given the middle class, including the payroll tax credit.  (Psst: that last one is the one Mitt wants to take back while giving HIMSELF another tax break.) 

*I still have ALL my guns and we have NO new regulations. 

Betcha no one but me has the guts to forward THIS."

And remember: always, ALWAYS hit "Reply All."