Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Pledge to America, abrigded and corrected, Pt. 1

America IS more than a country.  

America is an idea – an idea that free people can govern themselves (as long as we can manipulate their unrealistic fears), that government’s powers are derived from the consent of the governed (unless we didn't win), that each of us is endowed by their Creator with the unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (unless your definition of happiness violates our delicate sensibilities).  America is the belief that any man (preferably white and/or rich) or woman can – given economic, political, and religious liberty – advance themselves, their families, and the common good of the rich and corporate.

America is an inspiration to those who yearn to be free and have the ability and the dignity to determine their own destiny...unless they're foreigners.  Fuck them, no matter what that Frenchie slut in NY harbor says.

Whenever the agenda of government becomes destructive of these ends, WE'LL BE THERE!

These first principles were proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence, enshrined in the Constitution, and have endured through hard sacrifice and commitment by generations of Americans....and slavery...and genocide...and an economic system that insulates the wealthy and connected from real competition.

In a self-governing society, the only bulwark against the power of the state is the consent of the governed, except when we don't like the results of the legal and verified elections.  Then, we pledge to whine and bellow until we get our way.  Regarding the policies of the current legally elected government, the governed do not consent....except that they overwhelmingly did just a couple of years ago.  Thank the Creator for our abilities with monkey wrenches real and metaphorical!

An unchecked executive, a compliant legislature, and an overreaching judiciary have combined to thwart the will of the people and overturn their votes and their values, striking down longstanding laws and institutions and scorning the deepest beliefs of the American people.  So we ask that you once again give US the unchecked executive, compliant legislature, and overreaching judiciary.  We pledge it'll work THIS time!

An arrogant and out-of-touch government of self-appointed elites makes decisions, issues mandates, and enacts laws without accepting or requesting the input of the many...which is totally cool as long as it's US, of course....

Rising joblessness, crushing debt, and a polarizing political environment are fraying the bonds among our people and blurring our sense of national purpose, which boogey-men we have flogged and flogged and flogged until a bunch of you discovered the implied permission to act like the intellectual children you are.

Like free peoples of the past, our citizens refuse to accommodate a government that believes it can replace the will of the people with its own. The American people are speaking out, demanding that we realign our country’s compass with its founding principles and apply those principles to solve our common problems for the upper 2% good.

The need for urgent action to repair our economy and reclaim our government for the people cannot be overstated.  BUT we're doing it anyway.  We're also lying about it, just to be safe.  Seriously, y'all will swallow anything...almost.

With this document, we pledge to dedicate ourselves to the task of reconnecting our highest aspirations to the permanent truths of our founding by keeping faith with the values our nation was founded on, the principles we stand for, and the priorities of our people. This is our Pledge to America, written in the freshest of flung poo.

We pledge to honor the Constitution as constructed by its framers and honor the original intent of those precepts that have been consistently ignored – so start saving to get some slaves so you can have durty s-s-s-s-s-ex with them and tell  Also, if you've been eying your neighbor's land but he hasn't been gracious enough to simply leave it to you, it will again be legal (and justified under God's sweet, sweet will) to simply kill them and take it...after raping the women, of course.

We pledge to advance policies that promote greater liberty, wider opportunity, a robust defense, and national economic long as you can afford the membership.

We pledge to honor families, traditional marriage, life, and the private and faith-based organizations (well, the ones we AGREE with, anyway) that form the core of our American values because we are VERY concerned with what you do with YOUR crotch.  We're watching, you pervies...delicious, succulent pervies....

We pledge to make government more transparent in its actions, careful in its stewardship, and honest in its dealings.  To promote this approach, we will tailor some new clothes for the once and future Emperor!  That's why many of our newer candidates have lots of these "tits" you so like:  TRANSPARENCY NOW!!!!!

We pledge to uphold the purpose and promise of a better America, knowing that to whom much is given, much is kept in long-term tax shelters and speculative financial derivatives that can be sold off juuuust before the bottom drops out.

We make this pledge bearing true faith and allegiance to the people we represent*, and we invite fellow citizens** and patriots*** to join us in forming a new governing agenda for America: Exactly the SAME agenda we had before, but we pledge it WILL WORK THIS TIME! 

*We do not represent 98% of you, so stop asking, you filthy, unwashed workers!  LOOK!  ATHEIST FAGS-N-DYKES GOT YER GUNS!!!!!!  Don't forget to vote!

**Citizens must be prepared to show proof of status.  White skin and/or lotsa liquid assets shall be prima facie evidence of legal status.

***No Dems allowed.