Sunday, March 22, 2015

A Litmus test for Those Wishing to Engage in Political Debate

Sometimes, friends ask me to give some input on a particular issue because they have an...infestation...of RWNJs and feel I can help. However, as I get older and less tolerant of clear and present BULLSHIT, I've decided on a test to ensure that those with whom I engage have a baseline political acuity equal to at least half a blade of freshly cut hay and thus have instituted a series of questions designed to ferret out members of the f'idiocracy.

*For whom did you vote in the 2004 presidential election?

*Where was President Obama born?

*Are the concepts of Communism, Socialism, Fascism, and Naziism distinct and often opposed, or can they be used more or less as related terms if not synonyms?

*Are you a conspiracy theorist of ANY stripe (Birther, Truther, Red Flagger, Grassy Knoll...uh...-er, etc)?

*Is President Obama a Muslim, Christian, Atheist, or Undecided? (And does it matter?)

*Have you even referred to President Obama as "your/the anointed one" in non-ironic fashion?

*Does Michelle Obama's "Let's Move!" program smell fascist-y?

*Thoughts on Reagan: an overrated POS whose corpse deserves to feel the sweet nectar of my piss, freshly trickled through the dirt over his grave, or; misunderstood scamp?

*Bin Laden: Alive or dead?

*The Sandy Hook School Shooting: Real event, "false flag," media misrepresentation of a drill, or other? (If "other" is chosen, please explain.)

There are CLEAR acceptable answers. Fail and fuck off. Pass and enjoy sensible debate.I'll add questions as I see fit.

(And for those whose delicate sensibilities are all a-ruffled, a reminder: Mr. Nice Liberal went away about the 8,000th time I was called a pinko-commie Nazi-socialist with fascist tendencies, a "faggot," or - and this is a personal favorite - "nigger-lover." Debate from open minded people is MORE than welcome, but if it so much as smells like someone is a Fox-bot....As far as I'm concerned, pansy-assed, POS, progenies-of-privilege like Guv'nah Ruiner, Walker, Snyder, Brownback, the apparent entirety of the goddam heinous fuckery we call "the Bush family," and the goddam goosestepping like - all of whom seem to have the empathy and intellect the Creator gave the Honey Badger - can fuck themselves and go to hell (...not necessarily in that order, of course ). They are but the palest of ghosts when compared to ACTUAL Conservatives like John Thompson, Jim Edgar, or Ike.)

Nudge me when I can spell "conservative" with a capital "C," again, and I'll be tolerant of those who've destroyed the very notion OF "conservatism."

Friday, October 10, 2014


Hi, all. I'm an unapologetic, cantankerous, durty, rotten, stinkin', gawdam L-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-ib'ral living in the pre-historic swamplands of So. IL (which I have re-named "TeaBagistan"). Despite my track record, I can say I don't hate Conservatism at all...I *miss* it. My favorite color is plaid and I like long, slow naps on the beach. When I'm not tilting at windmills, I love photography, though, given my often ham-fisted results, I doubt you could say photography likes me. I am currently developing ways to overcome the laws of physics.

My journey started innocently enough: I plopped outta me mum and began ranting immediately, as I saw the doctor was inappropriately dressed for the occasion. More mewling followed, until I discovered "Language." After that, I waxed rhapsodic on many a topic, my soapbox-of-choice being a rather ungainly and (in hindsight) rickety set of unusually tall monkey bars. Then...the discovery of my true super power: Swearing Mightily.

I was quite the Angry Young Man for a long (some would say, "too long") time. But as the realization of Mortality has set in, I realize what a difficult, strange trip I'm on, like the rest, begging the question: how does one transition from AYM to Old Man Yelling at Clouds?
It reminds me of the time I sailed across Lake Superior on a dinghy the size of a very large shoe (why anyone thought to name that lake "Superior" is beyond me, as there are several examples of better in Minnesota and Wisconsin, including a charming, though smaller, example just outside the Fon Du Lac area named for a once proud, though little remembered by history (due to the horribly racist policies of the Jackson administration) Native American tribe, though the name escapes me now as easily and completely as did the rascally cod I tried to wrangle on Day 3 of my excursion...but I digress and wax further rhapsodic....)

Anyway, t'was early on in my water-board adventure when I stumbled upon--rather, nearly sailed over--a merchant marine floating on what can only be described as a pile of rubbish loosely bound together by what appeared to be strands of his own hair. He was resplendent in his own way: well-worn boots that had clearly seen soil from Jakharta, Tripoli, Bangladesh, and more than a few Seattle night clubs at the height of grunge; pants and shirt from an ancient Sears collection; a long, scruffy beard that popped out in every direction from his jaw, complimented by an unusually thin, wispy mustache he must have gotten from his mother's side; no hair could be seen as it was apparently tucked away under a disconcertingly jaunty red wool cap. As I barely steered clear of this unusual sight, this man began swearing at me in the most profane, yet creative, of ways. (He was obviously the Shakespeare of sailor-talk.) Called into question were the following (though not necessarily in this order as his obscene observations looped back over themselves numerous times): my character; my mother's moral certitude and chastity; my father's ability to pick out healthy cattle; my sister's ability in the art of love; the size of my dinghy, and; the legitimacy of my birth.
As I sailed ever further away from this Tasmanian Devil of a Tourette's-afflicted example of the basest human creature ever to straddle a piece of flotsam, I was so stunned I could barely make reply. Finally, my days as Captain of the debate team at a famously prestigious university I need hardly mention (though, if you are interested, I shall send my CV for your perusal) came to bear and serve me well as I crafted the most succinct, cutting, and concise comeback in the history of history. I steeled myself again' the waves of the lake (again, not exactly "Superior," but they presented a challenge to me yet-to-be-developed sea legs, as this was early in my adventure, as I said), put one foot 'pon the edge of my craft, and replied:

"Go bloviate yerself!"

Judging by his stunned silence, I can only conclude it was the first exposure to bloviation as witty rejoinder of which he'd ever been the target.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Marriage Equality in IL, Day 10: From the Front Lines

This, in a word, is hell.  Ever since the frogs started raining down over a week ago, it's been impossible to get anything done.  The dog can’t go outside, so…things…are backing up, as they say.  The Boy, unable to attend school, has gone feral.  Sweetie…well, it’s just heartbreaking the way our marriage remains thoroughly unaffected….  

At least the brimstone started coming down good-n-hard, today, so that should clear up the frogs and insects.  (The locust and flies have been competing for space, but in their Darwinian struggles, they’re getting glitter EVERYWHERE.Alas, there goes the brand new wicker patio furniture.  I imagine Williams-Sonoma will still expect us to pay.  Thankfully, our homeowner’s policy covers Acts of a Vengeful God.

I don’t know how much longer I can resist.  The conversion power of The.GAY was underestimated, if anything.  They’ve been more persistent than Jehovah’s Witnesses…and better groomed.  Even now, I can wear nothing but organic cotton/linen blend V-necks and skinny jeans (though the boils make custom fittings a VERY painful process).  And that shawl collared cardigan…it calls to me….  

I fear June 1st….

I fear fer ‘Mer’kuh…


Wednesday, October 30, 2013

PR Tip for Local Business Owners, or: Do you like lucre, filthy AND clean?

Entertain whatever political beliefs ya want, but realize not everyone in your targeted customer base will agree, so maybe...slap some camo on your Reich-Wing nutjob talking point dumbass horseshit and also: suck it.

As many of you know, your hero and mine (that's me, sillies) forgot his ipod today, and was therefore  reduced to listening to (*cough*)commercial(*gag*)radio(*WHEEZ*) for the first time in YEARS. While that experience alone was as 1st-world horrible as you might imagine, it did expose me to something I've not gone through in a LONG time: local business advertising. 

One local business (I'll not drop its name because it would and likely doesn't care because it can lose me as a customer) has a spot in heavy rotation, touting the benefits of its particular brand vs. others. The main thrust: Obama sucks, so buy something you trust, because the other guys are somehow tied to that dang ol' ni...politician.  The spot specifically went out of its way to refer to GMC as "Gub'mint Motors" SEVERAL times because of the auto bailout from several years ago. (Of course, it fails to mention GM credited the bailout for its survival, that GM paid the money back IN FULL, and is now solvent and stronger than ever due to intelligent intervention during an historic economic upheaval brought on by deregulation and worldwide economic panic exacerbated by Bush the Lesser...but I digress and wax badass.)

The narrator THEN touts the "fact" their af-FORD-able brand didn't take a bailout, which was true...that time. However, it conveniently left out one thing: Ford (OH! WHAT A GIVEAWAY!) had kept $28B (IIRC...this ain't a research paper) in reserve from the time they DID take out a shitload of gub'mint help a few years earlier, which they used to ride out the worldwide economic calamity brought on by bush and his bidness-fellating cronies.

But that was hardly the most egregious shit-stain in the spot. 

Oh, no...they had to outdo the out-doers....

THEN, the narrator goes through a list of supposed Obama-specific failures/broken promises that read like something freshly-shat from the deepest and most crooked of Rupert Murdoch's bowels and birthed from his foul haunches: failure to turn around the economy (...yeah...the DOW went from 7,000 and falling to breaking 13,000 in just a couple of years, inflation is in check, and interest rates have fallen while the housing market has rebounded); failure to bring economic stability (see above), and failure to "bring peace to the streets of Chicago," whatever to Murgatroid THAT means....

So buy Ford...only for what I did there? Protected my ass from recrimination, I did)...time. 

Because: OBAMA-BOO!

So guess what, Fuckstick McBlowmestein? You.Ain't.EVER.Gettin'.Money.From.Me. 

P.S. Neither is any asshole who posts gunshops should display signs telling Obama voters to leave because they're too stupid to own guns. That's gonna SUCK for someone when I upgrade my duty weapon to a .45 (along with the accompanying gear) AND replace my trusty Mossburg with a Saiga.

P.S.S. Business people, you serve a WIDE range of customers. The local economy is too small to piss off very many.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Marriage Equality in IL

Today, the IL legislature takes up debate on marriage equality in my home state.  I'm sharing this with my local reps and urge you all to share your thoughts with them, as well.

Dear Rep. _______:

I'm a lifelong IL resident and have spent nearly all of that life in So. IL.  I graduated from ____ in 1986, ___ in 1991, and am currently employed as a police officer in ____.

Until the age of 18, I was as dedicated a homophobe as ever existed.  I was a jock (among other things) and raised in church, so I always knew how gay people were to be treated, even though I didn't personally know anyone who was openly gay.  While I never actually engaged in any direct bullying, myself, I certainly condoned keeping gay people in their rightful place: in hiding.  Gay people could live as they saw fit, as long as they kept that to themselves.

I've since learned how shameful, un-Christian, and un-American it is to oppress people for being nothing more than gay.  When I went to college, I actually met gay people, quickly realizing in-full their agenda: to live free, open lives while bothering no one, expecting the same treatment from their fellows in return. Within weeks of arriving on ... campus, everything I'd been taught and everything I thought about homosexuality was laid bare as naked bigotry and fear, so I returned to the words of Christ regarding homosexuality...and found He said nothing on the subject. In fact, I discovered “Love thy neighbor as thyself” ended with a period, not an asterisk. Many of my college friends happened to be gay and I learned a great many lessons, including not one of them CHOSE to be gay any more than I CHOSE to be straight and each had an extraordinarily difficult struggle when they realized they were indeed born gay. Interestingly, none of them tired to “recruit” me into the "gay lifestyle," either.

I happen to be straight, but I still know to the core of my being that no American should be treated as a second-class citizen. The 1st Amendment clearly states “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof....” Many churches and denominations fully recognize gay marriage as what it is: marriage. Therefore, the government has no right to tell two consenting adults what kind of social contract they can arrange for themselves, nor can it tell a church what it may or may not recognize as a holy union, so long as no one else's fundamental rights are at risk. No one's rights are violated by two gay people making a public commitment to grow old together.

I consider the last 26 years of my life to be penance for the first 18.  It is absolutely wrong to allow this inequality to continue, so I urge you to vote in favor of marriage equality so that our fellow Illinoisans may pursue their happiness without interference from their government.

Thank you for your consideration...and go 'Cats.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Celebrating Columbus

Welcome to America. Before we connect you to a Survive the Winter representative, please choose from the following options:

*Press 1 for Algonquin.

*Press 2 for Cherokee.

*Press 3 for Muskogean.

*Press 4 for Mahican.

*Press 5 for a list of Delaware dialects.

*Press 6 for a list of Iroquois dialects.

*Press 7 for a list of Abnaki dialects..

*Press 8 for a list of berries your dumb ass shouldn't eat.

*Press 9 for more options.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

FUN! with Forwarded Right-Wing WORK E-mails!

I don't always respond to ridiculous right-wing hate mail sent to me through my work's e-mail network, but when I do, it goes a l'il summin-summin like this:

"While I realize nothing penetrates the right-wing bubble, on the off-chance there are people on this list who MIGHT pretend to be open minded, let's just take each of these idiotic pieces of...whatever ya wanna call ' turn.  I've numbered them for easy reference.

1.  Clever.  Almost as clever as the architect who designed the pole barns in the background.

 2.  " The idea that we’re all in it together — that I am my brother’s keeper; I am my sister’s keeper — that is a value. But they’re still talking about you as if you’re some greedy special interest that needs to be beaten. Since when are hardworking men and women special interests?" ~President Obama. 

That looks like a whole LOTTA "We the people."

Or do you prefer Romney's nugget: "All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. That that's an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what.... These are people who pay no income tax. Forty-seven percent of Americans pay no income tax."

3. Jesus also worked for change; so did Gandhi; so did George Washington.  Damn socialistic commie/nazi/fascist hippies....

4. Birthers are the lowest form of political scum in America, but let's address that thinly disguised racist tripe, briefly: what birthers peddle is that in the late fifties and early sixties, a group conspired to plant fake paperwork in the state of Hawaii JUST IN CASE a bi-racial child of a broken home might just be able to become president and...and what?  Increase foreign aid to Kenya?  Uh...make us all "socialists"?  Get rid of the Kardashians...?

 5. Ah, St. Reagan.  The guy who was a former president of a union (SAG) and raised taxes 11 times while exploding the federal budget and deficit.  *sniff*

6. No.  I'm embarrassed actual Conservatives (note the capital "C") didn't reel in horror from the reckless Bush years, go back to their roots and come back this year with an Eisenhower Republican.   

Let me get this straight...the last time we elected a privileged, rich, "businessman" who inherited MILLIONS and leaned on his alleged religious beliefs,  he got 8 years to create the smoking crater that used to be the U.S., but the B.L.A.C.K. guy gets just THREE and change to try to fix it and some people wanna replace him with an even MORE privileged jackass who wants to return to then double-down on the dumbass policies of Dubya.

Do I have that right...?

To re-phrase: HELL, NO, I'm not embarrassed I voted for President Obama!  Can't WAIT to do it again!

7. She keeps using words to which she clearly doesn't know the meaning.  If Obama's a "Marxist," he's the worst one EVER, considering the DOW and NASDAQ are near historic highs, as are corporate profits.  And if he wants to be a "dictator," y'all wanna explain how every POS tea party member in the House STILL has their head on their shoulders and not on a pike outside the capitol?

8. How do I like my change?  Just fine, thanks.  I like my GMs alive and bin Ladens dead.  "And, also," to quote Sarah Palin, I still have all my precious guns and can talk all the crap I want without fear President Obama's drones are listening. 

To the owner of that sign and all who give credence to its "message": Grow a pair, moran [sic].

9. Stimulus worked; more terrorists killed in Obama's first TWO years than all of Bush's eight; not according to auto maker CEOs and stockholders; not according to the private insurance cos.; only for children smuggled or otherwise brought here by parents without breaking laws themselves AND the DREAM Act was/is a republican idea, and; that's a REPUBLICAN idea, too.

10.  America's broke, huh?  Then how the HELL are we paying for wars started by Dubya AND giving money to Israel?

11. If you didn't whine about Dubya turning a balanced budget into a record deficit within his first two years...shut yer Koch-hole.

 12. So was Mitt Romney...until he wasn't...except in the case of rape & incest...dammit, now he's not.

13. Wow.  Nice plagiarism.  In 1982, Michael Barnes told a gathering of roughly 150 union leaders that, "for a working man or woman in this country to vote Republican in 1982 would be like a chicken voting for Col. Sanders."  Holds true today....

14.  Racist much? 

*Anti-Choice? Don't have an abortion. 

*Don't like gay marriage?  Don't marry a gay person. 

*Hate taxes? Send President Obama a thank-you card for the multiple tax DECREASES he's given the middle class, including the payroll tax credit.  (Psst: that last one is the one Mitt wants to take back while giving HIMSELF another tax break.) 

*I still have ALL my guns and we have NO new regulations. 

Betcha no one but me has the guts to forward THIS."

And remember: always, ALWAYS hit "Reply All."