Saturday, January 30, 2010

Philosophy Time!

A philosophy professor stood next to a table in front of the classroom. The table displayed a large empty jar and several boxes neatly arranged. When the class began, she picked up the empty jar and filled it to the top with rocks from the first box. She then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor then picked up the next box and poured small pebbles into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked the last box and poured sand into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student approached the table, took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full--and proceeded to pour in a bottle of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

I wish I could take credit for this OR that I could find the original source so I could give proper credit. Suffice to say: 'tis BRILLIG!!!!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Shooting a Pair of Deer

You were thinking something else, eh? This is to balance out some of the Dead Bambi/HeapBigHunter pics we tend to see published around these here parts, from time to time. This is how I shoot deer....

I was just driving along when I spotted a group of five or six deer, grazing near an overgrown pond on the outskirts of town. I happened to have my camera with me (I calls 'er "Betty," but you can call 'er... "Betty.")and the 70-300mm lens attached, so I pulled over as quietly and quickly as possible, though at least two of them kept eyes on me. I didn't have time to mess around with settings, so I just left the camera on Program, popped the lens out to its furthest reach, and started firing away.

This is easily the best shot of the group, as the deer kept some distance between themselves (not to mention, away from me) and moved around quite a bit. These two had their heads down grazing, quite still and relaxed, so I did an experiment and discovered: the "kissy noise" works on deer! As soon as I got this pic, these two separated.

I squeezed off maybe 7 pics before they all bolted toward then melted into the tree line. Little did they know that this is one well-armed redneck around whom they are infinitely safe.

Ass On the Ground, Or: I Have Impr-r-r-o-o-o-ved It

The possibilities for writing parodies based on "Pants On the Ground" aren't limitless...but damned if we can't get close! Opening salvo....

Beer in the glass
Beer in the glass
Drinkin’ like a fool with your beer in the glass

With the pint to your mouth
Legs turned sideways
Ass hit the ground
Call yourself a cool cat
Lookin’ like a fool
Walkin’ downtown then your ass’s on the ground

Get it up, hey!
Get your beer in the glass
Lookin’ like a fool
Walkin’ talkin’ with no beer in the glass.

Get it up, hey!
Get that beer on the glass
Lookin’ like a fool with no beer in the glass.


Friday, January 15, 2010

New & Improved Facebook Meme

This little meme has made several rounds ‘round the Intertubes and I thought it needed…refreshing. ENJOY!

Pick the month you were born:
January-------I kicked
February------I pimp-slapped
March----------I karate chopped
April------------I dropped a 16-ton weight on
May------------I choke slammed
June-----------I did the deed with
July------------I did the significant other of
August--------I mopped a dirty, sticky floor with
September----I snogged
October-------I incessantly berated
November-----I spit on
December-----I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------mich*el steele
2-------r*d blagojevich
3-------the entire f*x “news” mo(u)rning show cast
5-------Simon Cowell
6-------Deh Debil
7-------h*rry p*tter
8-------glenn b*ck
9-------r*sh limb*agh
10-------d*ck ebersol
11-------jay leno
12-------pat robertson
13-------t*by keith
14-------the entire “cast” of “jerkey shore”
15-------m*rk mcgwire
16-------d*ck cheney
17-------barry b*nds
18-------every tea-bagger
19------- bill *’reilly
20-------jeff z*cker
21-------people using “socialism” wrong
22-------(Up)chuck n*rris
23-------every “character” in “Twilight”
24-------ann c*ulter
25-------l*z cheney
26-------miley cyr*s
27-------sarah p*lin
28-------steve j*bs
29-------karl r*ve
30-------the guy who sings “Pants on the Ground”
31-------the 2 llamas with hats

Pick the last number of the year in which you were born:
1--------- in my front yard
2 --------- in the town square
3 --------- in the Lincoln bedroom
4 --------- in your FACE!
5 --------- on camera
6 --------- all over youtube
7 --------- in front of the gathering hordes
8---------- …that would hafta be in the butt, Bob…
9 -------- in the lake…BIG lake!
0 -------- in public

Pick the main color of shirt you are wearing:
White---------because of the rottenness and e-Vil in me.
Black---------because I take Veni, vidi, vici literally.
Pink-----------because L‘il Wayne did it too!.
Red-----------because the meds ran out.
Blue-----------because I’ve been touched by His Noodly Appendage.
Green---------with hee-larious! results....
Purple---------because I'm a professional and amateur hour was OVAH!!!
Gray----------because the hooker with a penis told me to and he/she's my leader.
Yellow---------because I forgot what 8 is for and this helped me remember.
Orange--------because it desperately needed doing.
Brown---------because I can‘t be stopped, helped, nor contained.
Other----------because I was offered a reality show.
None----------because my Netflix account was suspended and I‘m bored….

Then, combine the results into a sentence.

Mine would then be:

I dropped a 16-ton weight on pat Robertson…that would hafta be in the butt, Bob…because I was offered a reality show.