Tea-Bag America: What’s In It for Me

I practically drool at the chance to rail against tea-baggers and their id-dominated, fact-challenged, hypocritical hordes.  (Litmus test: Where were all these douche bags in 2002?  2003?  2004? 2005?  Fini.)  I relish the very thought of giving them a taste of their own medicine:  casting aspersions on their “ideas” (and I use the term as loosely as the GOP has used them); insulting their costumes; mocking the legitimacy of their birthing/hatching/budding, and; farting in their general direction.  (I realize such an approach forces me to lower myself to the level of mentally imbalanced Cro-mags, but sometimes one must indeed stoop in order to conquer…or just bash.  I‘m fine with either.)

Glenn beck, Grand High Poobah of the Legion of Dumbfuckery (a.k.a. the "Tea Party"), recently called out the family in TN who lost their mobile home in a fire while a private subscription service fire department responded…only to stand idly by as the family home burned to the ground and their pets died inside.  Why?  The family was late paying the $75 annual fee for fire protection.  (See also: Racketeering.)  While the more sensible among us engaged in "compassion," Beck and loads of his minions held this out as a perfect example of what happens when you don’t play by the rules and fail to pay your fair share.  (Lost on every smear of the stains left by the single-cell thought-like process shared by Beck’s Drecks is the county could’ve taxed the citizens OF that particular county an additional 0.13 per year based on property values and funded a professional, public fire department.  C’est la chickenshits.)  While that alone is bad enough, Beck and his loyal sidekick - whose name I neither know nor have the inclination to Google - started mocking these people, parading them across his national stage in order to do nothing but subject them to national embarrassment while they had absolutely no platform from which to defend themselves.  (A sidebar: I’m fairly certain that makes Beck an “elitist.”  …and a pansy….)

My natural first reaction was, of course, to:

*gag*cough*sputter*choke*asphyxiate*expire*be mourned by fam-n-friends: all so I could roll over in my OWN GODDAM GRAVE*self-resurrect*back to slingin' the vitriol*

...but not JUST at Beck, from whom I expect such drivel.  The firefighters - wait, that’s not the right term….  Fire…mercenaries?  Firemercs?  OK, the people who showed up with all the equipment and presumably expertise to put out a mobile home fire said they were simply following “orders.”  (Ibid, Nuremberg Trials; op cit, Iran-Contra.)  As an ACTUAL public servant (as opposed to a service merchant), I understand the importance of following orders…but I also understand a public servant’s right and responsibility to DISOBEY orders when such orders are illegal, unethical, or flat-out immoral.  At least ONE of those guys should’ve had the sack to turn just ONE hose toward what was early on a manageable fire and put it out, orders be damned.

But then…EPIPHANY!  A society in which every citizen pays for every service on either a subscription or pay-as-you-go basis (a Tea-Bagger paradise) is PERFECT for a guy like ME!

Disband the filthy s-s-s-s-s-socialist union!

Get rid of the “paycheck” system that rewards employees equally, regardless of productivity!

Pay me based SOLELY on individual, measurable performance.  Public service on a commission basis…

Each enforcement action garners a 20% commission.  (Why 20%?  It’s what the market will bear, of course.)  A seat belt ticket puts $12 in my pocket.  Speeding?  $24.  Operation of an Uninsured MV?  Oh, that’s damn near college tuition.  (I would also get 20% commission on any court fees, since my find started the whole process.)  Each offense would be necessarily monetized in such a way, but ya get the basic concept.

Here’s an easily achieved scenario: Writing three speeding tickets an hour for seven hours (allowing one hour to make the appropriate computer entries) means I would make $504 per shift.  Figure at least a warrant arrest a week earns the finder 20% of the most common bond amount ($1000), plus a commission for each  felony arrest based on a Table of Severity and voila!  Pay ME as I go gets me to about $15,000 a month…$225,000 per year.  (I couldn’t be docked simply because someone beat a ticket, criminal charge, or got a warrant quashed, either: such things fall under the purview of the State’s Attorney, so go after HIS check.  It would be my job to CATCH, not clean.)  Combine that with a Tea-Bagger's philosophy on taxation and I could retire comfortably* in just a few years.

In other words: Bring.It.ON!

Oh, I DO relish a Tea-Bag America!  One in which we ALL finally embrace Social Darwinism!  Back to the L-a-a-a-a-a-a-w of the West!  Survival of the Fittest!  We could finally get rid of those stupid borders, too.  After all…as ‘Mer’kins, we can surely beat back a wave of people willing to work longer, harder and for less pay because…well, cuz we’re ‘MER’KINS, dammit!

As the Tea-Baggers (those REAL Merkins**) would put it: “THEY” ain’t “US,” morans!





*     But it won't be here...Too many batshit crazy 'baggers....
**   Please don’t google that term….