Newt Gingrich: American politician, author, chicken-hawk, faux-conservative, and a flaccid dick.
Newt started life as a bastard, born out-of-shotgun-wedlock to a 16 year-old harpy and a 19 year old gelding in 1943, plopping into the world June 17. He promptly slapped his mother for being a single mom, berated the doctor for being a “fer’ner,” and told his gelding father “Get a job, deadbeat!” Thus, the transformation from mere bastard to dick began in earnest.
The first hard evidence to the world-at-large of Newt’s burgeoning
dickish nature is the fact he survived Grammar School with a name like “Newt” paired with a surname like “Gingrich.” (It doesn’t help that “Newt” is short for “Newton,“ either.) Millard Fillmore Junior High records show other such foul-named taunt-targets as Saxby, Nigel, and George failed to make it past Day 3 on the playground without chronic noogies, but Newt inexplicably thrived. (Attempts to locate “Knuckles” McPhee--MFJH’s most notorious and prolific bully--to explain this phenomenon have been unsuccessful. However, according to a scrawled, cryptic message found on the recently unearthed 7th grade boys’ bathroom, “Knuckles” may have met an untimely end by swirley.) His high school career was unremarkable save two awards: Best Turkey-Neck, and; voted Most Likely to Eat His Own Young. Newt received no grades, only the marks, “Get this MFer outta my class!”
During his undergraduate years studying the effect of Lizard-Think on Economics and Fer’ner Affairs, Newt discovered “girls,“ though his experimental endeavors on that subject have been lost to Time as witnesses failed to survive or are unwilling to come forward. His graduate thesis--Worrying More About What People Do In the Privacy of Their Own Bedrooms (Cuz I Ain’t Getting’ Any)--won rave reviews among remaining proto-humans, aka Young Republicans.
Newt is a loud, staunch voice for “Family Values,” valuing families so much, he’s created three of his own along the way. An early family, created with Jackie Battley, gave opportunity to show his early dedication to empathy by divorcing her while she was battling cancer. However, rather than elevating him to Colossal Prick status as might be expected by such a bold move, he became a mere Dick, Common Flaccid by reportedly trying to get her to sign a handwritten settlement while she was in the hospital recovering from related surgery. As might be expected from one of such a name, Newt is all-class, babe.
A short time after divorcing Battley, Newt corralled another lobotomized filly in 1981, Wyf #2. In a fantastic display of a man’s reach exceeding his grasp, he actually groomed Wyf #3 while married to Wyf #2, via extramarital affair. When asked what first drew her to Newt the Flaccid, Wyf the 3rd mumbled something unintelligible through a Quaalude-induced fog. She then slobbered a bit. Newt’s personal mantra seems to be, “Third Time’s a Charm (especially with pharmaceuticals and vodka.)”
Newt’s political career and accomplishments can rest on their respective sphincters, needing no further glorification here. To sum up: he single-handedly saved America during the Clinton years. “The Contract On America” was a watershed moment.
Newt’s personal interests include hardcore Bulgarian necrophilia porn, hypocrisy as an art form, genital self-mutilation, and discovering the tensile strength threshold of his lower abdominal wall. It’s widely rumored he was the original inspiration for the South Park character of Mr. Garrison, just so “Suck my balls, Mr. Garrison” could be uttered.
Newt the Flaccid is scheduled to go supernova in 3... 2... Duck.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A Ditty for a (Not So) Pretty (Not So) Little Liar
There once was an ass from Wasilla
Whose lips gave a rise to some fellas.
She played on some fears,
Then said with a sneer:
"My boobs are my brains, so they're jealous."
Go ahead...refudiate THAT.
Whose lips gave a rise to some fellas.
She played on some fears,
Then said with a sneer:
"My boobs are my brains, so they're jealous."
Go ahead...refudiate THAT.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Look at Your Tea-Bagger.....
Hello, ladies.
Look at your tea-bagger.
Now look at me.
Now back at your tea-bagger-
Now BACK to me.
Sadly, they aren’t me.
But if they stopped using words incorrectly
And switched to Intelligent Argument
They could sound like they’re me.
Look down.
Back up!
Where are you…?
You're in a conversation
With a man your tea-bagger could sound like
What’s in your hand?
Back at me…
I have it!
It’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing.you.love……
Look again.
The tickets are NOW diamonds
Anything is possible when you have reasonable debate based on fact,
Not cowardice.
I’m on a horse.
Look at your tea-bagger.
Now look at me.
Now back at your tea-bagger-
Now BACK to me.
Sadly, they aren’t me.
But if they stopped using words incorrectly
And switched to Intelligent Argument
They could sound like they’re me.
Look down.
Back up!
Where are you…?
You're in a conversation
With a man your tea-bagger could sound like
What’s in your hand?
Back at me…
I have it!
It’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing.you.love……
Look again.
The tickets are NOW diamonds
Anything is possible when you have reasonable debate based on fact,
Not cowardice.
I’m on a horse.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
That Cra-Zay Ike!
"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.
This world in arms is not spending money alone.
It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.
The cost of one modern heavy bomber is this: a modern brick school in more than 30 cities.
It is two electric power plants, each serving a town of 60,000 population.
It is two fine, fully equipped hospitals.
It is some 50 miles of concrete highway.
We pay for a single fighter with a half million bushels of wheat.We pay for a single destroyer with new homes that could have housed more than 8,000 people.
This, I repeat, is the best way of life to be found on the road the world has been taking.This is not a way of life at all, in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron."
--> Crazy socialist and renowned hippie, Dwight D. Eisenhower.
(Psst to the asshats: he was a Republican. ;))
Someone forward this to Sarah "Got Putin?" p*lin and her frothing minions ASAP. Ike was a pragmatic conservative and had the mentality of a grown-up.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Avoiding Socialism: A Checklist
BROTHERS!!!! (For we are all brothers, regardless of how some GAWD-less, gub’mint approved doctor or hippy midwife or fer’ner cabbie interpreted our naughty bits.)
BROTHERS!!!! It has recently come to our collective attention that s-s-s-SOCIALISM--that pre-cursor to Communism, Fascism, and Malapropism--has finally taken serious root in the Homeland.
Not now, Brothers! Time-n-place; time-n-place……
BROTHERS!!!! This e-Vil health care insurance reform stuff bein’ rammed down our collective throats is CLEARLY meant as a way for Obama (***IS DEH DEBIL***) to take yet one more step toward Authoritarianism! WE MUST BEAT IT BACK!
…however…
Some smart-ass, pinko/fasco/commie/hippy l-l-l-l-L-IB’RAL has recently pointed out the hypocrisy of our ways by elucidat….
Elucidati….
Ok…
Um…
Enumerat-ah, shit.
OK, look-see: this smart-ass listed a whole lotta thangs that are actually even MORE s-s-s-SOCIALIST than regulating the amazingly generous and shining examples of Capitalism that constitute our Private Health Care Insurance System, God grant them peace-n-profit.
So, the call has done rang out, cuz this guy was RIGHT. We MUST cleanse ourselves of this demon called "s-s-s-Socialism" in the name of all that is holy! (For an exhaustive list of “All Things Holy,” please contact Sarah Palin.) So, here’s a partial list of how we can go about cleansing our national soul the way Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and John Adams woulda wanted.*
*[Author‘s. Note: For your own safety, please do not research any of those names, especially by reading Mark Brown's thoughts at www.jurist.law.pitt.edu.]
BROTHERS!!!! Please add suggestions as you think of them!
Oh...one last thing...and this is a little... um... delicate, so “discretion” is the word: we need volunteers for an exploratory committee. It seems j-j-j-Jesus was a dirty liberal and a s-s-s-Socialist, too, what with his redistribution of loaves & fish, slingin’ free booze at weddings, healin’ the sick and dead FOR FREE, even OUT.OF.NETWORK!!!! He prolly din’ even have a green card, fer Christ’s sake!
Therefore, we need a new Messiah. (But blasphemy will be good ta go.) Do I have any nominations from the collecti--I mean, floor?
Perhaps we start with Glenn Beck. I like the wiggle o‘ his waddle.
BROTHERS!!!! It has recently come to our collective attention that s-s-s-SOCIALISM--that pre-cursor to Communism, Fascism, and Malapropism--has finally taken serious root in the Homeland.
***I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITE--***
Not now, Brothers! Time-n-place; time-n-place……
BROTHERS!!!! This e-Vil health care insurance reform stuff bein’ rammed down our collective throats is CLEARLY meant as a way for Obama (***IS DEH DEBIL***) to take yet one more step toward Authoritarianism! WE MUST BEAT IT BACK!
***(Much Ha-rumphing....)***
…however…
Some smart-ass, pinko/fasco/commie/hippy l-l-l-l-L-IB’RAL has recently pointed out the hypocrisy of our ways by elucidat….
Elucidati….
Ok…
Um…
Enumerat-ah, shit.
OK, look-see: this smart-ass listed a whole lotta thangs that are actually even MORE s-s-s-SOCIALIST than regulating the amazingly generous and shining examples of Capitalism that constitute our Private Health Care Insurance System, God grant them peace-n-profit.
***(Much genuflecting)***
So, the call has done rang out, cuz this guy was RIGHT. We MUST cleanse ourselves of this demon called "s-s-s-Socialism" in the name of all that is holy! (For an exhaustive list of “All Things Holy,” please contact Sarah Palin.) So, here’s a partial list of how we can go about cleansing our national soul the way Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and John Adams woulda wanted.*
*[Author‘s. Note: For your own safety, please do not research any of those names, especially by reading Mark Brown's thoughts at www.jurist.law.pitt.edu.]
- Pull your kids outta public schools. (Extra credit given to those brothers who burn said schools to the sacred, sacred soil as "ground zero" infection sites.)
- Stop using publicly funded roads (esp. interstates).
- Demonstrate against the military, since all they do is suck the public teat.
- Don't call police.
- If shot with your own gun(s) during a burglary, make sure the doctor has no medical license.
- Stop watching TV and cable and listening to radio. “Public airways,” indeed!
- Don't eat anything inspected by the FSIS. (Don’t forget to use unlicensed medical people for trichinosis-n-such.)
- Carry your baptismal certificate. Present that next time someone asks you for your insurance provider.
- Don't go to a national park.
- Pull your money out of banks w/FDIC backing.
- Steal gramma’s Social Security and Medicare, then donate those funds to SarahPAC.
- Stop recognizin’ “sunrise” and “sunset.” Cuz everybody knows the world has ended!
BROTHERS!!!! Please add suggestions as you think of them!
***(Standing, collective ovation)***
Oh...one last thing...and this is a little... um... delicate, so “discretion” is the word: we need volunteers for an exploratory committee. It seems j-j-j-Jesus was a dirty liberal and a s-s-s-Socialist, too, what with his redistribution of loaves & fish, slingin’ free booze at weddings, healin’ the sick and dead FOR FREE, even OUT.OF.NETWORK!!!! He prolly din’ even have a green card, fer Christ’s sake!
Therefore, we need a new Messiah. (But blasphemy will be good ta go.) Do I have any nominations from the collecti--I mean, floor?
Perhaps we start with Glenn Beck. I like the wiggle o‘ his waddle.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
The Latest Assault
Yeah…so my census form arrived in the mail yesterday. I’ve been steeped in the panicky swill of Michelle b*chmann and Glenn b*ck, lately (their mendacity is almost impossible to escape, given the breathless nature of panic-journalism), so the arrival of Das Presidente’s latest mind control apperatti (yeah, I made up that word) caused consternation, hiccups, as well as swelling of the colon.
Consider the power of a president--any president--knowing *gasp* how many people live in MY house! How DARE he!?! It’s time to arm ourselves, fellow Homelanders! This Emperor-in-Waiting must be stopped at all costs! (Except anything resembling actual ACTION, that is….)
But then again…the true patriots tell us President Obama is: Omniscient; Omnipresent; Omnipowerful; Omninational, and; Omni-Curious…. Defiance is sure to have consequences!
So for the safety of all Americans (or, as some prefer, “’Mer’kins”) and all the ships at sea: I just finished the form indicating I’m an “American,” though there could be suspicions about YOU, apparently. (See "'Beck, Glenn.').... Copy-n-paste this as your status and twitter and RS feed (then follow the instructions below) or Nancy Pilosi will eat yer face after forcibly reproducing with you. (Word of warning: everyone knows lib-Dems from Cali reproduce by… um… “being the Man,” so at speak, so lube is muy importante’. It‘s gub‘mint lube, so you know it can‘t be trusted. Maybe your colon can filibuster…?)
Make sure to implant the chip that comes with the census form. (Luckily, said package conveniently (and socialistically) includes the gub’mint-provided syringe along with digital copies of Mein Kampf and Marx' entire bibliography as edited by Das Presidente with instructions on how to import them to iTunes accompanied by a warning to listen on "repeat" until our respective AND collective medula oblongati (did it again!) oozes out of nasal passages and we can all rhythmically chant same. (CAUTION: Side effects may include getting a gig as a recurring caricature on f*x “news.”).
For those perhaps less-than-attuned:
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! Reading the above is likely to result in “Sarcasm” and “Satire” infiltrating yer brain! Re-read with caution!
C’mON, man! I’m a liberal agnostic vegetarian living in So. IL where we apparently have both kinds of political thought--Tea & Baggin--so I’m bound to have a big mouth and sharp elbows!
Jebus-copulating-Chee-rist, people! It’s one thing to disagree; it’s quite another to see the Doom of the Republic every time a liberal (or, as we prefer to be called, a “dirty, stinkin’ commie-bastard/bitch lib’ral”) tries to do something. The once-a-decade census has been happening with great regularity since 1790. In fact, the census is a constitutional requirement! So for Michelle “1000-Yard-Stare” b*chmann (and others) to suggest we not participate because of some unsubstantiated fear of President Obama is to go AGAINST the very document to which she claims such allegiance!
Wait a minute… The census is required by...the Constitution...?
That must mean...
Oh, nozerz!
Even the founding fathers have been retroactively hypnotized by Buh-RACK Who-SAIN O-BAM!a!!!!!
That being the case…if you'll excuse me…I need to stretch in preparation for my nightly genuflections, then practice the M00slim version of Kum Bay Ah so I may hail my Socialist/Marxist/Commie-Nazi overlords in such a patriotic manner they never suspect I might come from "Real America."
ALL HAIL!
(Dumbfuckery is outta control. I can only swing the cudgel so many hours a day!)
Consider the power of a president--any president--knowing *gasp* how many people live in MY house! How DARE he!?! It’s time to arm ourselves, fellow Homelanders! This Emperor-in-Waiting must be stopped at all costs! (Except anything resembling actual ACTION, that is….)
But then again…the true patriots tell us President Obama is: Omniscient; Omnipresent; Omnipowerful; Omninational, and; Omni-Curious…. Defiance is sure to have consequences!
So for the safety of all Americans (or, as some prefer, “’Mer’kins”) and all the ships at sea: I just finished the form indicating I’m an “American,” though there could be suspicions about YOU, apparently. (See "'Beck, Glenn.').... Copy-n-paste this as your status and twitter and RS feed (then follow the instructions below) or Nancy Pilosi will eat yer face after forcibly reproducing with you. (Word of warning: everyone knows lib-Dems from Cali reproduce by… um… “being the Man,” so at speak, so lube is muy importante’. It‘s gub‘mint lube, so you know it can‘t be trusted. Maybe your colon can filibuster…?)
Make sure to implant the chip that comes with the census form. (Luckily, said package conveniently (and socialistically) includes the gub’mint-provided syringe along with digital copies of Mein Kampf and Marx' entire bibliography as edited by Das Presidente with instructions on how to import them to iTunes accompanied by a warning to listen on "repeat" until our respective AND collective medula oblongati (did it again!) oozes out of nasal passages and we can all rhythmically chant same. (CAUTION: Side effects may include getting a gig as a recurring caricature on f*x “news.”).
For those perhaps less-than-attuned:
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! Reading the above is likely to result in “Sarcasm” and “Satire” infiltrating yer brain! Re-read with caution!
C’mON, man! I’m a liberal agnostic vegetarian living in So. IL where we apparently have both kinds of political thought--Tea & Baggin--so I’m bound to have a big mouth and sharp elbows!
Jebus-copulating-Chee-rist, people! It’s one thing to disagree; it’s quite another to see the Doom of the Republic every time a liberal (or, as we prefer to be called, a “dirty, stinkin’ commie-bastard/bitch lib’ral”) tries to do something. The once-a-decade census has been happening with great regularity since 1790. In fact, the census is a constitutional requirement! So for Michelle “1000-Yard-Stare” b*chmann (and others) to suggest we not participate because of some unsubstantiated fear of President Obama is to go AGAINST the very document to which she claims such allegiance!
Wait a minute… The census is required by...the Constitution...?
That must mean...
Oh, nozerz!
Even the founding fathers have been retroactively hypnotized by Buh-RACK Who-SAIN O-BAM!a!!!!!
That being the case…if you'll excuse me…I need to stretch in preparation for my nightly genuflections, then practice the M00slim version of Kum Bay Ah so I may hail my Socialist/Marxist/Commie-Nazi overlords in such a patriotic manner they never suspect I might come from "Real America."
ALL HAIL!
(Dumbfuckery is outta control. I can only swing the cudgel so many hours a day!)
Monday, March 8, 2010
E-Mail Scammers; A Love Story
I was recently contacted by someone claiming to be "Sgt. Chad Cook," who needed my assistance to claim his portion of $28M, which he obtained after discovering barrels of money buried in Sadam Hussein's palaces. Obviously, such a thing is highly illegal, so he contacted me to act as a go-between.
A sample of the e-mail:
I want you to tell me how much you will take from this money for the assistance you will give to me. One passionate appeal i will make to you is not to discuss this matter with anybody, should you have reasons to reject this offer, please and please destroy this message as any leakage of this information will be too bad for us soldier's here in Iraq. I do not know how long we will remain here, and i have been shot, wounded and survived two suicide bomb attacks by the special grace of god, i honestly want this matter to be resolved immediately, please contact me as soon as possible with my e-mail address which is my only way of communication.
God bless you and your family.
Sgt. Chad Cook
Not only am I offended that the scammer ripped off "Three Kings," thinking people wouldn't recognize that basic plot, I'm also shocked these dumbasses don't realize the very first giveaway it's a scam is their language.
So...
I have offered to *aherm* "help."
My reply:
Since absolutely NO American would express themselves in the manner you do, I would like to offer my writing services to you and your organization. It is clear from your correspondence that you are not a native English speaker. I understand you and your colleagues are merely trying to earn an honest living by getting gullible people to give up the information and/or money you request and am indeed sympathetic to your cause; Unfortunately for you, such stilted writing as the correspondence below undoubtedly hinders your efforts and limits your organization's profitability.
However, I am willing to help.
For the low, low price of sucking my balls, Mr. Garrison, I am willing to edit all of your future attempts to make sure it at least sounds like an American might have written them. In return for sucking my balls per each piece edited, I can assure you your recipients will utterly believe that all your future correspondence comes from an American. While many will still see through your ruse (most of us in the US have seen Three Kings and remember it, since we are all madly in love with George Clooney), I can absolutely guarantee you a far higher response rate than you enjoy now.
As to my qualifications: in addition to being born in a predominantly English speaking country, I have a degree in English as well as composition and am, therefore, highly trained and skilled. Additionally, for the last 11 years, I have earned a good living as a professional writer, editor, and proofreader. All you need to do is send me the rough draft of any correspondence you would like to use and within one week (five business days), I will return to you or your designee one perfectly Americanized solicitation. You may use each and every edited piece as many times as you like, in perpetuity.
Even though I am absolutely willing to offer my services, I need to know you have the means to pay for my skills. As such, I must insist on proof of your ball-sucking expertise. (I've had bad experiences in the past with ball-suckers from your country who assured me their skills at said task were highly polished, only to discover they were amateurs, at best.) Where did you receive your ball-suck education? Did you earn a degree? If so, do you possess a Ball-Sucking Bachelor of Arts, Bachelor of Sciences, or did you earn an advanced degree?
Please send a video or photographic portfolio of yourself sucking the balls on a person of your choosing so I might better determine that your skills at sucking my balls, Mr. Garrison, are commensurate with my skills as a writer. Please forward references from three (3) recent ball-suckees
I look forward to your reply and sucking of my balls, Mr. Garrison.
Sincerely,
Me
I certainly hope the good Sgt. doesn't get into trouble since I'm-a post any and all replies here. I've actually had a couple of scammers respond in the past, but have yet to get any photos. Let's see how far down the rabbit hole this fool is willing to follow me, eh?
A sample of the e-mail:
I want you to tell me how much you will take from this money for the assistance you will give to me. One passionate appeal i will make to you is not to discuss this matter with anybody, should you have reasons to reject this offer, please and please destroy this message as any leakage of this information will be too bad for us soldier's here in Iraq. I do not know how long we will remain here, and i have been shot, wounded and survived two suicide bomb attacks by the special grace of god, i honestly want this matter to be resolved immediately, please contact me as soon as possible with my e-mail address which is my only way of communication.
God bless you and your family.
Sgt. Chad Cook
Not only am I offended that the scammer ripped off "Three Kings," thinking people wouldn't recognize that basic plot, I'm also shocked these dumbasses don't realize the very first giveaway it's a scam is their language.
So...
I have offered to *aherm* "help."
My reply:
Since absolutely NO American would express themselves in the manner you do, I would like to offer my writing services to you and your organization. It is clear from your correspondence that you are not a native English speaker. I understand you and your colleagues are merely trying to earn an honest living by getting gullible people to give up the information and/or money you request and am indeed sympathetic to your cause; Unfortunately for you, such stilted writing as the correspondence below undoubtedly hinders your efforts and limits your organization's profitability.
However, I am willing to help.
For the low, low price of sucking my balls, Mr. Garrison, I am willing to edit all of your future attempts to make sure it at least sounds like an American might have written them. In return for sucking my balls per each piece edited, I can assure you your recipients will utterly believe that all your future correspondence comes from an American. While many will still see through your ruse (most of us in the US have seen Three Kings and remember it, since we are all madly in love with George Clooney), I can absolutely guarantee you a far higher response rate than you enjoy now.
As to my qualifications: in addition to being born in a predominantly English speaking country, I have a degree in English as well as composition and am, therefore, highly trained and skilled. Additionally, for the last 11 years, I have earned a good living as a professional writer, editor, and proofreader. All you need to do is send me the rough draft of any correspondence you would like to use and within one week (five business days), I will return to you or your designee one perfectly Americanized solicitation. You may use each and every edited piece as many times as you like, in perpetuity.
Even though I am absolutely willing to offer my services, I need to know you have the means to pay for my skills. As such, I must insist on proof of your ball-sucking expertise. (I've had bad experiences in the past with ball-suckers from your country who assured me their skills at said task were highly polished, only to discover they were amateurs, at best.) Where did you receive your ball-suck education? Did you earn a degree? If so, do you possess a Ball-Sucking Bachelor of Arts, Bachelor of Sciences, or did you earn an advanced degree?
Please send a video or photographic portfolio of yourself sucking the balls on a person of your choosing so I might better determine that your skills at sucking my balls, Mr. Garrison, are commensurate with my skills as a writer. Please forward references from three (3) recent ball-suckees
I look forward to your reply and sucking of my balls, Mr. Garrison.
Sincerely,
Me
I certainly hope the good Sgt. doesn't get into trouble since I'm-a post any and all replies here. I've actually had a couple of scammers respond in the past, but have yet to get any photos. Let's see how far down the rabbit hole this fool is willing to follow me, eh?
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