E-Mail Scammers; A Love Story

I was recently contacted by someone claiming to be "Sgt. Chad Cook," who needed my assistance to claim his portion of $28M, which he obtained after discovering barrels of money buried in Sadam Hussein's palaces. Obviously, such a thing is highly illegal, so he contacted me to act as a go-between.

A sample of the e-mail:

I want you to tell me how much you will take from this money for the assistance you will give to me. One passionate appeal i will make to you is not to discuss this matter with anybody, should you have reasons to reject this offer, please and please destroy this message as any leakage of this information will be too bad for us soldier's here in Iraq. I do not know how long we will remain here, and i have been shot, wounded and survived two suicide bomb attacks by the special grace of god, i honestly want this matter to be resolved immediately, please contact me as soon as possible with my e-mail address which is my only way of communication.

God bless you and your family.

Sgt. Chad Cook

Not only am I offended that the scammer ripped off "Three Kings," thinking people wouldn't recognize that basic plot, I'm also shocked these dumbasses don't realize the very first giveaway it's a scam is their language.

So...

I have offered to *aherm* "help."

My reply:

Since absolutely NO American would express themselves in the manner you do, I would like to offer my writing services to you and your organization. It is clear from your correspondence that you are not a native English speaker. I understand you and your colleagues are merely trying to earn an honest living by getting gullible people to give up the information and/or money you request and am indeed sympathetic to your cause; Unfortunately for you, such stilted writing as the correspondence below undoubtedly hinders your efforts and limits your organization's profitability.

However, I am willing to help.

For the low, low price of sucking my balls, Mr. Garrison, I am willing to edit all of your future attempts to make sure it at least sounds like an American might have written them. In return for sucking my balls per each piece edited, I can assure you your recipients will utterly believe that all your future correspondence comes from an American. While many will still see through your ruse (most of us in the US have seen Three Kings and remember it, since we are all madly in love with George Clooney), I can absolutely guarantee you a far higher response rate than you enjoy now.

As to my qualifications: in addition to being born in a predominantly English speaking country, I have a degree in English as well as composition and am, therefore, highly trained and skilled. Additionally, for the last 11 years, I have earned a good living as a professional writer, editor, and proofreader. All you need to do is send me the rough draft of any correspondence you would like to use and within one week (five business days), I will return to you or your designee one perfectly Americanized solicitation. You may use each and every edited piece as many times as you like, in perpetuity.

Even though I am absolutely willing to offer my services, I need to know you have the means to pay for my skills. As such, I must insist on proof of your ball-sucking expertise. (I've had bad experiences in the past with ball-suckers from your country who assured me their skills at said task were highly polished, only to discover they were amateurs, at best.) Where did you receive your ball-suck education? Did you earn a degree? If so, do you possess a Ball-Sucking Bachelor of Arts, Bachelor of Sciences, or did you earn an advanced degree?

Please send a video or photographic portfolio of yourself sucking the balls on a person of your choosing so I might better determine that your skills at sucking my balls, Mr. Garrison, are commensurate with my skills as a writer. Please forward references from three (3) recent ball-suckees

I look forward to your reply and sucking of my balls, Mr. Garrison.

Sincerely,

Me

I certainly hope the good Sgt. doesn't get into trouble since I'm-a post any and all replies here. I've actually had a couple of scammers respond in the past, but have yet to get any photos. Let's see how far down the rabbit hole this fool is willing to follow me, eh?