BROTHERS!!!! It has recently come to our collective attention that s-s-s-SOCIALISM--that pre-cursor to Communism, Fascism, and Malapropism--has finally taken serious root in the Homeland.
***I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITE--***
Not now, Brothers! Time-n-place; time-n-place……
BROTHERS!!!! This e-Vil health care insurance reform stuff bein’ rammed down our collective throats is CLEARLY meant as a way for Obama (***IS DEH DEBIL***) to take yet one more step toward Authoritarianism! WE MUST BEAT IT BACK!
***(Much Ha-rumphing....)***
…however…
Some smart-ass, pinko/fasco/commie/hippy l-l-l-l-L-IB’RAL has recently pointed out the hypocrisy of our ways by elucidat….
Elucidati….
Ok…
Um…
Enumerat-ah, shit.
OK, look-see: this smart-ass listed a whole lotta thangs that are actually even MORE s-s-s-SOCIALIST than regulating the amazingly generous and shining examples of Capitalism that constitute our Private Health Care Insurance System, God grant them peace-n-profit.
***(Much genuflecting)***
So, the call has done rang out, cuz this guy was RIGHT. We MUST cleanse ourselves of this demon called "s-s-s-Socialism" in the name of all that is holy! (For an exhaustive list of “All Things Holy,” please contact Sarah Palin.) So, here’s a partial list of how we can go about cleansing our national soul the way Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and John Adams woulda wanted.*
*[Author‘s. Note: For your own safety, please do not research any of those names, especially by reading Mark Brown's thoughts at www.jurist.law.pitt.edu.]
- Pull your kids outta public schools. (Extra credit given to those brothers who burn said schools to the sacred, sacred soil as "ground zero" infection sites.)
- Stop using publicly funded roads (esp. interstates).
- Demonstrate against the military, since all they do is suck the public teat.
- Don't call police.
- If shot with your own gun(s) during a burglary, make sure the doctor has no medical license.
- Stop watching TV and cable and listening to radio. “Public airways,” indeed!
- Don't eat anything inspected by the FSIS. (Don’t forget to use unlicensed medical people for trichinosis-n-such.)
- Carry your baptismal certificate. Present that next time someone asks you for your insurance provider.
- Don't go to a national park.
- Pull your money out of banks w/FDIC backing.
- Steal gramma’s Social Security and Medicare, then donate those funds to SarahPAC.
- Stop recognizin’ “sunrise” and “sunset.” Cuz everybody knows the world has ended!
BROTHERS!!!! Please add suggestions as you think of them!
***(Standing, collective ovation)***
Oh...one last thing...and this is a little... um... delicate, so “discretion” is the word: we need volunteers for an exploratory committee. It seems j-j-j-Jesus was a dirty liberal and a s-s-s-Socialist, too, what with his redistribution of loaves & fish, slingin’ free booze at weddings, healin’ the sick and dead FOR FREE, even OUT.OF.NETWORK!!!! He prolly din’ even have a green card, fer Christ’s sake!
Therefore, we need a new Messiah. (But blasphemy will be good ta go.) Do I have any nominations from the collecti--I mean, floor?
Perhaps we start with Glenn Beck. I like the wiggle o‘ his waddle.
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