Let’s try a thought experiment:
A self-identified protester shows up to yet another event of a candidate or cause. Said protester is identified by supporters of the candidate/cause as this particular protester has been to several previous events, is known to security and volunteer staff, and is carrying a sign that clearly displays (as usual) clear distaste for the candidate. Said protester is also wearing an apparently intentionally crude costume intended to reinforce the protest. Five goons (not Joe "I Gots Me a Problem with the Truth" Miller's crack(head) "security team") who are neither cops nor security surround said protester and start muttering veiled threats like, "We are here to do crowd control we might have to take someone out." Said protester tries to flee the threat and an honor beating ensues.
You may have a spark of recognition: this was no thought experiment; this actually happened.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bob-cesca/when-in-doubt-they-beat-u_b_775094.html
Now don't get me wrong: IF a protester charges a candidate‘s vehicle and takes any threatening action toward the candidate (which she didn't), I have no problem with a couple of cro-mags blocking her way or even restraining her, then letting security or cops nearby handle the situation.
But that's not what happened.
As she initially ran up to paul’s car, she was blocked by his security staff, who quickly and rightly determined she was no latter day Squeaky Fromme, just another protester. After that, she was trying to run away from the Viagra-dependent brain-stemmers who decided paul’s security and law enforcement failed in their duties, so they took matters into their own hands…or feet…. Once the protester was caught, she offered NO RESISTANCE WHATEVER. She was then, for some inexplicable reason, forced to the ground, whereupon two of these backwater ass-thumbers launch some pot shots at a non-combative, fully subdued protester. SHE gave up; THEY escalated.
Nice job, He-Men. Jesus will stamp your Man-card now. (But He’s gonna beat the Dumb outta you with his whip soon thereafter.)
Now if a tea-bagger charges a Dem's car and goes for an open window, one would be batting with the averages to assume said pants-shitter might be about to exercise their "2nd Amendment rights," so the danger is distinctly different. (When’s the last time progressive protesters showed up to a palin rally with assault rifles en masse ?) The collective Ignorami and its whores of complicit republican candidates and cheering pundits have repeated veiled threats of violence so often and with such impunity I think we must consider them armed and brainless: dangerous and stupid is a potentially lethal combination.
What I and anybody with a fully developed frontal lobe (so tea-baggers and all their defenders are right out) find objectionable in this particular incident is when the obviously subdued and non-resistant woman gets three cheap shots from two of the dipshits, one of which results in her head smacking into the curb. What I and anybody with a fully developed frontal lobe find objectionable about the tea-baggers in general is their fetishistic enslavement to the idea some ‘Mer’cans are “real” and others - those who disagree with them - are subject to the mewling minority’s violent heel.
Assholes like tea-baggers are the reason that I'm voting straight ticket for the 1st time in my life.
Fuck tea-baggers.
Fuck candidates who embrace, defend, or at least fail to rePudiate them repeatedly.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tea-Bag America: What’s In It for Me
I practically drool at the chance to rail against tea-baggers and their id-dominated, fact-challenged, hypocritical hordes. (Litmus test: Where were all these douche bags in 2002? 2003? 2004? 2005? Fini.) I relish the very thought of giving them a taste of their own medicine: casting aspersions on their “ideas” (and I use the term as loosely as the GOP has used them); insulting their costumes; mocking the legitimacy of their birthing/hatching/budding, and; farting in their general direction. (I realize such an approach forces me to lower myself to the level of mentally imbalanced Cro-mags, but sometimes one must indeed stoop in order to conquer…or just bash. I‘m fine with either.)
Glenn beck, Grand High Poobah of the Legion of Dumbfuckery (a.k.a. the "Tea Party"), recently called out the family in TN who lost their mobile home in a fire while a private subscription service fire department responded…only to stand idly by as the family home burned to the ground and their pets died inside. Why? The family was late paying the $75 annual fee for fire protection. (See also: Racketeering.) While the more sensible among us engaged in "compassion," Beck and loads of his minions held this out as a perfect example of what happens when you don’t play by the rules and fail to pay your fair share. (Lost on every smear of the stains left by the single-cell thought-like process shared by Beck’s Drecks is the county could’ve taxed the citizens OF that particular county an additional 0.13 per year based on property values and funded a professional, public fire department. C’est la chickenshits.) While that alone is bad enough, Beck and his loyal sidekick - whose name I neither know nor have the inclination to Google - started mocking these people, parading them across his national stage in order to do nothing but subject them to national embarrassment while they had absolutely no platform from which to defend themselves. (A sidebar: I’m fairly certain that makes Beck an “elitist.” …and a pansy….)
My natural first reaction was, of course, to:
*gag*cough*sputter*choke*asphyxiate*expire*be mourned by fam-n-friends: all so I could roll over in my OWN GODDAM GRAVE*self-resurrect*back to slingin' the vitriol*
...but not JUST at Beck, from whom I expect such drivel. The firefighters - wait, that’s not the right term…. Fire…mercenaries? Firemercs? OK, the people who showed up with all the equipment and presumably expertise to put out a mobile home fire said they were simply following “orders.” (Ibid, Nuremberg Trials; op cit, Iran-Contra.) As an ACTUAL public servant (as opposed to a service merchant), I understand the importance of following orders…but I also understand a public servant’s right and responsibility to DISOBEY orders when such orders are illegal, unethical, or flat-out immoral. At least ONE of those guys should’ve had the sack to turn just ONE hose toward what was early on a manageable fire and put it out, orders be damned.
But then…EPIPHANY! A society in which every citizen pays for every service on either a subscription or pay-as-you-go basis (a Tea-Bagger paradise) is PERFECT for a guy like ME!
Disband the filthy s-s-s-s-s-socialist union!
Get rid of the “paycheck” system that rewards employees equally, regardless of productivity!
Pay me based SOLELY on individual, measurable performance. Public service on a commission basis…
Each enforcement action garners a 20% commission. (Why 20%? It’s what the market will bear, of course.) A seat belt ticket puts $12 in my pocket. Speeding? $24. Operation of an Uninsured MV? Oh, that’s damn near college tuition. (I would also get 20% commission on any court fees, since my find started the whole process.) Each offense would be necessarily monetized in such a way, but ya get the basic concept.
Here’s an easily achieved scenario: Writing three speeding tickets an hour for seven hours (allowing one hour to make the appropriate computer entries) means I would make $504 per shift. Figure at least a warrant arrest a week earns the finder 20% of the most common bond amount ($1000), plus a commission for each felony arrest based on a Table of Severity and voila! Pay ME as I go gets me to about $15,000 a month…$225,000 per year. (I couldn’t be docked simply because someone beat a ticket, criminal charge, or got a warrant quashed, either: such things fall under the purview of the State’s Attorney, so go after HIS check. It would be my job to CATCH, not clean.) Combine that with a Tea-Bagger's philosophy on taxation and I could retire comfortably* in just a few years.
In other words: Bring.It.ON!
Oh, I DO relish a Tea-Bag America! One in which we ALL finally embrace Social Darwinism! Back to the L-a-a-a-a-a-a-w of the West! Survival of the Fittest! We could finally get rid of those stupid borders, too. After all…as ‘Mer’kins, we can surely beat back a wave of people willing to work longer, harder and for less pay because…well, cuz we’re ‘MER’KINS, dammit!
As the Tea-Baggers (those REAL Merkins**) would put it: “THEY” ain’t “US,” morans!
* But it won't be here...Too many batshit crazy 'baggers....
** Please don’t google that term….
Glenn beck, Grand High Poobah of the Legion of Dumbfuckery (a.k.a. the "Tea Party"), recently called out the family in TN who lost their mobile home in a fire while a private subscription service fire department responded…only to stand idly by as the family home burned to the ground and their pets died inside. Why? The family was late paying the $75 annual fee for fire protection. (See also: Racketeering.) While the more sensible among us engaged in "compassion," Beck and loads of his minions held this out as a perfect example of what happens when you don’t play by the rules and fail to pay your fair share. (Lost on every smear of the stains left by the single-cell thought-like process shared by Beck’s Drecks is the county could’ve taxed the citizens OF that particular county an additional 0.13 per year based on property values and funded a professional, public fire department. C’est la chickenshits.) While that alone is bad enough, Beck and his loyal sidekick - whose name I neither know nor have the inclination to Google - started mocking these people, parading them across his national stage in order to do nothing but subject them to national embarrassment while they had absolutely no platform from which to defend themselves. (A sidebar: I’m fairly certain that makes Beck an “elitist.” …and a pansy….)
My natural first reaction was, of course, to:
*gag*cough*sputter*choke*asphyxiate*expire*be mourned by fam-n-friends: all so I could roll over in my OWN GODDAM GRAVE*self-resurrect*back to slingin' the vitriol*
...but not JUST at Beck, from whom I expect such drivel. The firefighters - wait, that’s not the right term…. Fire…mercenaries? Firemercs? OK, the people who showed up with all the equipment and presumably expertise to put out a mobile home fire said they were simply following “orders.” (Ibid, Nuremberg Trials; op cit, Iran-Contra.) As an ACTUAL public servant (as opposed to a service merchant), I understand the importance of following orders…but I also understand a public servant’s right and responsibility to DISOBEY orders when such orders are illegal, unethical, or flat-out immoral. At least ONE of those guys should’ve had the sack to turn just ONE hose toward what was early on a manageable fire and put it out, orders be damned.
But then…EPIPHANY! A society in which every citizen pays for every service on either a subscription or pay-as-you-go basis (a Tea-Bagger paradise) is PERFECT for a guy like ME!
Disband the filthy s-s-s-s-s-socialist union!
Get rid of the “paycheck” system that rewards employees equally, regardless of productivity!
Pay me based SOLELY on individual, measurable performance. Public service on a commission basis…
Each enforcement action garners a 20% commission. (Why 20%? It’s what the market will bear, of course.) A seat belt ticket puts $12 in my pocket. Speeding? $24. Operation of an Uninsured MV? Oh, that’s damn near college tuition. (I would also get 20% commission on any court fees, since my find started the whole process.) Each offense would be necessarily monetized in such a way, but ya get the basic concept.
Here’s an easily achieved scenario: Writing three speeding tickets an hour for seven hours (allowing one hour to make the appropriate computer entries) means I would make $504 per shift. Figure at least a warrant arrest a week earns the finder 20% of the most common bond amount ($1000), plus a commission for each felony arrest based on a Table of Severity and voila! Pay ME as I go gets me to about $15,000 a month…$225,000 per year. (I couldn’t be docked simply because someone beat a ticket, criminal charge, or got a warrant quashed, either: such things fall under the purview of the State’s Attorney, so go after HIS check. It would be my job to CATCH, not clean.) Combine that with a Tea-Bagger's philosophy on taxation and I could retire comfortably* in just a few years.
In other words: Bring.It.ON!
Oh, I DO relish a Tea-Bag America! One in which we ALL finally embrace Social Darwinism! Back to the L-a-a-a-a-a-a-w of the West! Survival of the Fittest! We could finally get rid of those stupid borders, too. After all…as ‘Mer’kins, we can surely beat back a wave of people willing to work longer, harder and for less pay because…well, cuz we’re ‘MER’KINS, dammit!
As the Tea-Baggers (those REAL Merkins**) would put it: “THEY” ain’t “US,” morans!
* But it won't be here...Too many batshit crazy 'baggers....
** Please don’t google that term….
Thursday, September 23, 2010
The Pledge to America, abrigded and corrected, Pt. 1
America IS more than a country.
America is an idea – an idea that free people can govern themselves (as long as we can manipulate their unrealistic fears), that government’s powers are derived from the consent of the governed (unless we didn't win), that each of us is endowed by their Creator with the unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (unless your definition of happiness violates our delicate sensibilities). America is the belief that any man (preferably white and/or rich)or woman can – given economic, political, and religious liberty – advance themselves, their families, and the common good of the rich and corporate.
America is an inspiration to those who yearn to be free and have the ability and the dignity to determine their own destiny...unless they're foreigners. Fuck them, no matter what that Frenchie slut in NY harbor says.
Whenever the agenda of government becomes destructive of these ends, WE'LL BE THERE!
These first principles were proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence, enshrined in the Constitution, and have endured through hard sacrifice and commitment by generations of Americans....and slavery...and genocide...and an economic system that insulates the wealthy and connected from real competition.
In a self-governing society, the only bulwark against the power of the state is the consent of the governed, except when we don't like the results of the legal and verified elections. Then, we pledge to whine and bellow until we get our way. Regarding the policies of the current legally elected government, the governed do not consent....except that they overwhelmingly did just a couple of years ago. Thank the Creator for our abilities with monkey wrenches real and metaphorical!
An unchecked executive, a compliant legislature, and an overreaching judiciary have combined to thwart the will of the people and overturn their votes and their values, striking down longstanding laws and institutions and scorning the deepest beliefs of the American people. So we ask that you once again give US the unchecked executive, compliant legislature, and overreaching judiciary. We pledge it'll work THIS time!
An arrogant and out-of-touch government of self-appointed elites makes decisions, issues mandates, and enacts laws without accepting or requesting the input of the many...which is totally cool as long as it's US, of course....
Rising joblessness, crushing debt, and a polarizing political environment are fraying the bonds among our people and blurring our sense of national purpose, which boogey-men we have flogged and flogged and flogged until a bunch of you discovered the implied permission to act like the intellectual children you are.
Like free peoples of the past, our citizens refuse to accommodate a government that believes it can replace the will of the people with its own. The American people are speaking out, demanding that we realign our country’s compass with its founding principles and apply those principles to solve our common problems for the upper 2% good.
The need for urgent action to repair our economy and reclaim our government for the people cannot be overstated. BUT we're doing it anyway. We're also lying about it, just to be safe. Seriously, y'all will swallow anything...almost.
With this document, we pledge to dedicate ourselves to the task of reconnecting our highest aspirations to the permanent truths of our founding by keeping faith with the values our nation was founded on, the principles we stand for, and the priorities of our people. This is our Pledge to America, written in the freshest of flung poo.
We pledge to honor the Constitution as constructed by its framers and honor the original intent of those precepts that have been consistently ignored – so start saving to get some slaves so you can have durty s-s-s-s-s-ex with them and tell no.one. Also, if you've been eying your neighbor's land but he hasn't been gracious enough to simply leave it to you, it will again be legal (and justified under God's sweet, sweet will) to simply kill them and take it...after raping the women, of course.
We pledge to advance policies that promote greater liberty, wider opportunity, a robust defense, and national economic prosperity...as long as you can afford the membership.
We pledge to honor families, traditional marriage, life, and the private and faith-based organizations (well, the ones we AGREE with, anyway) that form the core of our American values because we are VERY concerned with what you do with YOUR crotch. We're watching, you pervies...delicious, succulent pervies....
We pledge to make government more transparent in its actions, careful in its stewardship, and honest in its dealings. To promote this approach, we will tailor some new clothes for the once and future Emperor! That's why many of our newer candidates have lots of these "tits" you so like: TRANSPARENCY NOW!!!!!
We pledge to uphold the purpose and promise of a better America, knowing that to whom much is given, much is kept in long-term tax shelters and speculative financial derivatives that can be sold off juuuust before the bottom drops out.
We make this pledge bearing true faith and allegiance to the people we represent*, and we invite fellow citizens** and patriots*** to join us in forming a new governing agenda for America: Exactly the SAME agenda we had before, but we pledge it WILL WORK THIS TIME!
*We do not represent 98% of you, so stop asking, you filthy, unwashed workers! LOOK! ATHEIST FAGS-N-DYKES GOT YER GUNS!!!!!! Don't forget to vote!
**Citizens must be prepared to show proof of status. White skin and/or lotsa liquid assets shall be prima facie evidence of legal status.
***No Dems allowed.
America is an idea – an idea that free people can govern themselves (as long as we can manipulate their unrealistic fears), that government’s powers are derived from the consent of the governed (unless we didn't win), that each of us is endowed by their Creator with the unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (unless your definition of happiness violates our delicate sensibilities). America is the belief that any man (preferably white and/or rich)
America is an inspiration to those who yearn to be free and have the ability and the dignity to determine their own destiny...unless they're foreigners. Fuck them, no matter what that Frenchie slut in NY harbor says.
Whenever the agenda of government becomes destructive of these ends, WE'LL BE THERE!
These first principles were proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence, enshrined in the Constitution, and have endured through hard sacrifice and commitment by generations of Americans....and slavery...and genocide...and an economic system that insulates the wealthy and connected from real competition.
In a self-governing society, the only bulwark against the power of the state is the consent of the governed, except when we don't like the results of the legal and verified elections. Then, we pledge to whine and bellow until we get our way. Regarding the policies of the current legally elected government, the governed do not consent....except that they overwhelmingly did just a couple of years ago. Thank the Creator for our abilities with monkey wrenches real and metaphorical!
An unchecked executive, a compliant legislature, and an overreaching judiciary have combined to thwart the will of the people and overturn their votes and their values, striking down longstanding laws and institutions and scorning the deepest beliefs of the American people. So we ask that you once again give US the unchecked executive, compliant legislature, and overreaching judiciary. We pledge it'll work THIS time!
An arrogant and out-of-touch government of self-appointed elites makes decisions, issues mandates, and enacts laws without accepting or requesting the input of the many...which is totally cool as long as it's US, of course....
Rising joblessness, crushing debt, and a polarizing political environment are fraying the bonds among our people and blurring our sense of national purpose, which boogey-men we have flogged and flogged and flogged until a bunch of you discovered the implied permission to act like the intellectual children you are.
Like free peoples of the past, our citizens refuse to accommodate a government that believes it can replace the will of the people with its own. The American people are speaking out, demanding that we realign our country’s compass with its founding principles and apply those principles to solve our common problems for the upper 2% good.
The need for urgent action to repair our economy and reclaim our government for the people cannot be overstated. BUT we're doing it anyway. We're also lying about it, just to be safe. Seriously, y'all will swallow anything...almost.
With this document, we pledge to dedicate ourselves to the task of reconnecting our highest aspirations to the permanent truths of our founding by keeping faith with the values our nation was founded on, the principles we stand for, and the priorities of our people. This is our Pledge to America, written in the freshest of flung poo.
We pledge to honor the Constitution as constructed by its framers and honor the original intent of those precepts that have been consistently ignored – so start saving to get some slaves so you can have durty s-s-s-s-s-ex with them and tell no.one. Also, if you've been eying your neighbor's land but he hasn't been gracious enough to simply leave it to you, it will again be legal (and justified under God's sweet, sweet will) to simply kill them and take it...after raping the women, of course.
We pledge to advance policies that promote greater liberty, wider opportunity, a robust defense, and national economic prosperity...as long as you can afford the membership.
We pledge to honor families, traditional marriage, life, and the private and faith-based organizations (well, the ones we AGREE with, anyway) that form the core of our American values because we are VERY concerned with what you do with YOUR crotch. We're watching, you pervies...delicious, succulent pervies....
We pledge to make government more transparent in its actions, careful in its stewardship, and honest in its dealings. To promote this approach, we will tailor some new clothes for the once and future Emperor! That's why many of our newer candidates have lots of these "tits" you so like: TRANSPARENCY NOW!!!!!
We pledge to uphold the purpose and promise of a better America, knowing that to whom much is given, much is kept in long-term tax shelters and speculative financial derivatives that can be sold off juuuust before the bottom drops out.
We make this pledge bearing true faith and allegiance to the people we represent*, and we invite fellow citizens** and patriots*** to join us in forming a new governing agenda for America: Exactly the SAME agenda we had before, but we pledge it WILL WORK THIS TIME!
*We do not represent 98% of you, so stop asking, you filthy, unwashed workers! LOOK! ATHEIST FAGS-N-DYKES GOT YER GUNS!!!!!! Don't forget to vote!
**Citizens must be prepared to show proof of status. White skin and/or lotsa liquid assets shall be prima facie evidence of legal status.
***No Dems allowed.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Revisiting Newt Gingrich, Flaccid American
Newt Gingrich: American politician, author, chicken-hawk, faux-conservative, and a flaccid dick.
Newt started life as a bastard, born out-of-shotgun-wedlock to a 16 year-old harpy and a 19 year old gelding in 1943, plopping into the world June 17. He promptly slapped his mother for being a single mom, berated the doctor for being a “fer’ner,” and told his gelding father “Get a job, deadbeat!” Thus, the transformation from mere bastard to dick began in earnest.
The first hard evidence to the world-at-large of Newt’s burgeoning
dickish nature is the fact he survived Grammar School with a name like “Newt” paired with a surname like “Gingrich.” (It doesn’t help that “Newt” is short for “Newton,“ either.) Millard Fillmore Junior High records show other such foul-named taunt-targets as Saxby, Nigel, and George failed to make it past Day 3 on the playground without chronic noogies, but Newt inexplicably thrived. (Attempts to locate “Knuckles” McPhee--MFJH’s most notorious and prolific bully--to explain this phenomenon have been unsuccessful. However, according to a scrawled, cryptic message found on the recently unearthed 7th grade boys’ bathroom, “Knuckles” may have met an untimely end by swirley.) His high school career was unremarkable save two awards: Best Turkey-Neck, and; voted Most Likely to Eat His Own Young. Newt received no grades, only the marks, “Get this MFer outta my class!”
During his undergraduate years studying the effect of Lizard-Think on Economics and Fer’ner Affairs, Newt discovered “girls,“ though his experimental endeavors on that subject have been lost to Time as witnesses failed to survive or are unwilling to come forward. His graduate thesis--Worrying More About What People Do In the Privacy of Their Own Bedrooms (Cuz I Ain’t Getting’ Any)--won rave reviews among remaining proto-humans, aka Young Republicans.
Newt is a loud, staunch voice for “Family Values,” valuing families so much, he’s created three of his own along the way. An early family, created with Jackie Battley, gave opportunity to show his early dedication to empathy by divorcing her while she was battling cancer. However, rather than elevating him to Colossal Prick status as might be expected by such a bold move, he became a mere Dick, Common Flaccid by reportedly trying to get her to sign a handwritten settlement while she was in the hospital recovering from related surgery. As might be expected from one of such a name, Newt is all-class, babe.
A short time after divorcing Battley, Newt corralled another lobotomized filly in 1981, Wyf #2. In a fantastic display of a man’s reach exceeding his grasp, he actually groomed Wyf #3 while married to Wyf #2, via extramarital affair. When asked what first drew her to Newt the Flaccid, Wyf the 3rd mumbled something unintelligible through a Quaalude-induced fog. She then slobbered a bit. Newt’s personal mantra seems to be, “Third Time’s a Charm (especially with pharmaceuticals and vodka.)”
Newt’s political career and accomplishments can rest on their respective sphincters, needing no further glorification here. To sum up: he single-handedly saved America during the Clinton years. “The Contract On America” was a watershed moment.
Newt’s personal interests include hardcore Bulgarian necrophilia porn, hypocrisy as an art form, genital self-mutilation, and discovering the tensile strength threshold of his lower abdominal wall. It’s widely rumored he was the original inspiration for the South Park character of Mr. Garrison, just so “Suck my balls, Mr. Garrison” could be uttered.
Newt the Flaccid is scheduled to go supernova in 3... 2... Duck.
Newt started life as a bastard, born out-of-shotgun-wedlock to a 16 year-old harpy and a 19 year old gelding in 1943, plopping into the world June 17. He promptly slapped his mother for being a single mom, berated the doctor for being a “fer’ner,” and told his gelding father “Get a job, deadbeat!” Thus, the transformation from mere bastard to dick began in earnest.
The first hard evidence to the world-at-large of Newt’s burgeoning
dickish nature is the fact he survived Grammar School with a name like “Newt” paired with a surname like “Gingrich.” (It doesn’t help that “Newt” is short for “Newton,“ either.) Millard Fillmore Junior High records show other such foul-named taunt-targets as Saxby, Nigel, and George failed to make it past Day 3 on the playground without chronic noogies, but Newt inexplicably thrived. (Attempts to locate “Knuckles” McPhee--MFJH’s most notorious and prolific bully--to explain this phenomenon have been unsuccessful. However, according to a scrawled, cryptic message found on the recently unearthed 7th grade boys’ bathroom, “Knuckles” may have met an untimely end by swirley.) His high school career was unremarkable save two awards: Best Turkey-Neck, and; voted Most Likely to Eat His Own Young. Newt received no grades, only the marks, “Get this MFer outta my class!”
During his undergraduate years studying the effect of Lizard-Think on Economics and Fer’ner Affairs, Newt discovered “girls,“ though his experimental endeavors on that subject have been lost to Time as witnesses failed to survive or are unwilling to come forward. His graduate thesis--Worrying More About What People Do In the Privacy of Their Own Bedrooms (Cuz I Ain’t Getting’ Any)--won rave reviews among remaining proto-humans, aka Young Republicans.
Newt is a loud, staunch voice for “Family Values,” valuing families so much, he’s created three of his own along the way. An early family, created with Jackie Battley, gave opportunity to show his early dedication to empathy by divorcing her while she was battling cancer. However, rather than elevating him to Colossal Prick status as might be expected by such a bold move, he became a mere Dick, Common Flaccid by reportedly trying to get her to sign a handwritten settlement while she was in the hospital recovering from related surgery. As might be expected from one of such a name, Newt is all-class, babe.
A short time after divorcing Battley, Newt corralled another lobotomized filly in 1981, Wyf #2. In a fantastic display of a man’s reach exceeding his grasp, he actually groomed Wyf #3 while married to Wyf #2, via extramarital affair. When asked what first drew her to Newt the Flaccid, Wyf the 3rd mumbled something unintelligible through a Quaalude-induced fog. She then slobbered a bit. Newt’s personal mantra seems to be, “Third Time’s a Charm (especially with pharmaceuticals and vodka.)”
Newt’s political career and accomplishments can rest on their respective sphincters, needing no further glorification here. To sum up: he single-handedly saved America during the Clinton years. “The Contract On America” was a watershed moment.
Newt’s personal interests include hardcore Bulgarian necrophilia porn, hypocrisy as an art form, genital self-mutilation, and discovering the tensile strength threshold of his lower abdominal wall. It’s widely rumored he was the original inspiration for the South Park character of Mr. Garrison, just so “Suck my balls, Mr. Garrison” could be uttered.
Newt the Flaccid is scheduled to go supernova in 3... 2... Duck.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A Ditty for a (Not So) Pretty (Not So) Little Liar
There once was an ass from Wasilla
Whose lips gave a rise to some fellas.
She played on some fears,
Then said with a sneer:
"My boobs are my brains, so they're jealous."
Go ahead...refudiate THAT.
Whose lips gave a rise to some fellas.
She played on some fears,
Then said with a sneer:
"My boobs are my brains, so they're jealous."
Go ahead...refudiate THAT.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Look at Your Tea-Bagger.....
Hello, ladies.
Look at your tea-bagger.
Now look at me.
Now back at your tea-bagger-
Now BACK to me.
Sadly, they aren’t me.
But if they stopped using words incorrectly
And switched to Intelligent Argument
They could sound like they’re me.
Look down.
Back up!
Where are you…?
You're in a conversation
With a man your tea-bagger could sound like
What’s in your hand?
Back at me…
I have it!
It’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing.you.love……
Look again.
The tickets are NOW diamonds
Anything is possible when you have reasonable debate based on fact,
Not cowardice.
I’m on a horse.
Look at your tea-bagger.
Now look at me.
Now back at your tea-bagger-
Now BACK to me.
Sadly, they aren’t me.
But if they stopped using words incorrectly
And switched to Intelligent Argument
They could sound like they’re me.
Look down.
Back up!
Where are you…?
You're in a conversation
With a man your tea-bagger could sound like
What’s in your hand?
Back at me…
I have it!
It’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing.you.love……
Look again.
The tickets are NOW diamonds
Anything is possible when you have reasonable debate based on fact,
Not cowardice.
I’m on a horse.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
That Cra-Zay Ike!
"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.
This world in arms is not spending money alone.
It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.
The cost of one modern heavy bomber is this: a modern brick school in more than 30 cities.
It is two electric power plants, each serving a town of 60,000 population.
It is two fine, fully equipped hospitals.
It is some 50 miles of concrete highway.
We pay for a single fighter with a half million bushels of wheat.We pay for a single destroyer with new homes that could have housed more than 8,000 people.
This, I repeat, is the best way of life to be found on the road the world has been taking.This is not a way of life at all, in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron."
--> Crazy socialist and renowned hippie, Dwight D. Eisenhower.
(Psst to the asshats: he was a Republican. ;))
Someone forward this to Sarah "Got Putin?" p*lin and her frothing minions ASAP. Ike was a pragmatic conservative and had the mentality of a grown-up.
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