Well, Allow Me to Re-TORT....

A friend of mine sent me one o' them "funny" chain e-mails a few days ago.  In it, the original "author" relayed the "hilarious" story of a gun-suckler who lived next to a liberal (I pointed out we prefer the term "DurtyStinkin'Commie-Fasco L-l-l-l-ib'ral) who liked to stir the pot.  The fetishist put a sign in his yard with the following text:

"BURGLARS!  My neighbor is a gun-control advocate.  Feel free to rob him, but THESE premises are protected by guns."

The sign had a large arrow on top, pointing to his neighbor's house.

OH, the HEE-LARITY!  However, as a gun-owning DurtyStinkin'Commie-Fasco L-l-l-l-ib'ral, I thought of an appropriate response:

"BURGLARS!  My neighbor has a LOT of guns which you can easily trade on the black market for drugs or money!  And he's a TERRIBLE shot."

The arrow would point right back at him....

The 2nd Amendment goes both way, bitches, even if DurtyStinkin'Commie-Fasco L-l-l-l-ib'rals don't view it as a religious document.  And I'm sorry about the size of your penis, morans [sic].

Of Mama Grizzlies & Messages

A bear and a rabbit are relieving themselves near each other in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and politely asks, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit, thinking it an odd question, warily replies, "No." The bear says, "Well, that's good," grabs the rabbit, thoroughly wipes it's own ass, then tosses the rabbit aside as it walks deeper into the woods.

Palin (along with all of f*x (ItAin't)News, beck, et al) is a scatological mama grizzly and your everyday, run-of-the-mill republican is her rabbit.

/scene

Scenes from Geo. W. Bush's "Book" Tour, Pt. 1

A Tea-Bagger is Borned  [Best read aloud]

"Heh heh...jist read th' book. Aifter Ah read uncle dickie's notes fer his VP/S&M memoir, Ah 'membered how Ah bawl-gagged Say-Damn H00-sain inta almost tellin' me where them ol' DubyaMDs were...um, was...were...at.  Mommy wouldn't let me use her-n-pappy's favorite, so Ah had'tuh improverize with an ol' football an' some duck duct tape.   But that ol' moose-lim wuz a tough nut ta crack, which is exactly whut Ah tol' 'im: 'Say-Damn, you are one tough nut tah crack!'  That gave me an idear....  So Ah took off m'chaps, then m'Wranglers loose fit jeans, then put m'chaps BACK on...aind assumed th' position tuh contin-yuh the inter'gations....

"Heh heh....  Ah jist 'membered a funny detail: SH didn't have no gag reflex, which prob'ly explains why he never tol' me where them ol' DubyaMDs were...um, was...were...at.  Heh heh...coulda used him at summa mah frat parties cuz th' goats couldn't handle...*

Never mahnd that shit now...mommy's a-callin'. Prob'ly wants ta show me another jar in her prahvate collection...."

And Now, an Excerpt From the Holy Scriptures*

A passage from the words of Christ, as recorded in chapter 19, Gospel of Matthew*, verses 16-21.

19.  And, behold, one came and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?

And He said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.

20.  He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said:

Thou shalt do no murder, unless it take the guise of an illegal war based on falsities.  (Verily, get thee to force others to do thy oppressive business.);

Thou shalt not commit adultery more than two score times;

Thou shalt not steal, unless it be from stockholders and taxpayers;

Thou shalt not bear false witness, unless it aids thy lust for power;

Honor thy father and thy mother, unless they vote Democrat, and;

Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself…with the following exclusions: foreigners, the GAY, kikes, wops, micks, welfare queens, intellectuals, integrators, vegetarians, anybody “brown”, (hath I mentioned The GAY?) l-l-l-l-ib’rals, people who fail to buy American, pansies, those thou dost deem “less” than thee, socialists, those that drive a hybrid or compost, (I hath covered The GAY, yes?) and most of all: black presidents.

21.  Lo, I say unto thee, it is easier for such as these to overcome the security system of  a BMW or take yer jobs than be loved by the Father…even though He made them, too.

Go forth and doest thou likewise and thou shalt have an eternal place at the seat of power.




* Tea Bagger Edition, abridged and corrected.

A GOP Successory

This is just a quick-n-dirty rough edit......

Of Tea-Baggers 'n' Protesters

Let’s try a thought experiment:

A self-identified protester shows up to yet another event of a candidate or cause. Said protester is identified by supporters of the candidate/cause as this particular protester has been to several previous events, is known to security and volunteer staff, and is carrying a sign that clearly displays (as usual) clear distaste for the candidate. Said protester is also wearing an apparently intentionally crude costume intended to reinforce the protest.  Five goons (not Joe "I Gots Me a Problem with the Truth" Miller's crack(head) "security team") who are neither cops nor security surround said protester and start muttering veiled threats like, "We are here to do crowd control we might have to take someone out." Said protester tries to flee the threat and an honor beating ensues.

You may have a spark of recognition: this was no thought experiment; this actually happened.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bob-cesca/when-in-doubt-they-beat-u_b_775094.html

Now don't get me wrong: IF a protester charges a candidate‘s vehicle and takes any threatening action toward the candidate (which she didn't), I have no problem with a couple of cro-mags blocking her way or even restraining her, then letting security or cops nearby handle the situation.

But that's not what happened.

As she initially ran up to paul’s car, she was blocked by his security staff, who quickly and rightly determined she was no latter day Squeaky Fromme, just another protester.  After that, she was trying to run away from the Viagra-dependent brain-stemmers who decided paul’s security and law enforcement failed in their duties, so they took matters into their own hands…or feet….  Once the protester was caught, she offered NO RESISTANCE WHATEVER.   She was then, for some inexplicable reason, forced to the ground, whereupon two of these backwater ass-thumbers launch some pot shots at a non-combative, fully subdued protester.  SHE gave up; THEY escalated.

Nice job, He-Men.  Jesus will stamp your Man-card now.  (But He’s gonna beat the Dumb outta you with his whip soon thereafter.)

Now if a tea-bagger charges a Dem's car and goes for an open window, one would be batting with the averages to assume said pants-shitter might be about to exercise their "2nd Amendment rights," so the danger is distinctly different.  (When’s the last time progressive protesters showed up to a palin rally with assault rifles en masse ?)  The collective Ignorami and its whores of complicit republican candidates and cheering pundits have repeated veiled threats of violence so often and with such impunity I think we must consider them armed and brainless: dangerous and stupid is a potentially lethal combination.

What I and anybody with a fully developed frontal lobe (so tea-baggers and all their defenders are right out) find objectionable in this particular incident is when the obviously subdued and non-resistant woman gets three cheap shots from two of the dipshits, one of which results in her head smacking into the curb.  What I and anybody with a fully developed frontal lobe find objectionable about the tea-baggers in general is their fetishistic enslavement to the idea some ‘Mer’cans are “real” and others - those who disagree with them - are subject to the mewling minority’s violent heel.

Assholes like tea-baggers are the reason that I'm voting straight ticket for the 1st time in my life.

Fuck tea-baggers.

Fuck candidates who embrace, defend, or at least fail to rePudiate them repeatedly.

Tea-Bag America: What’s In It for Me

I practically drool at the chance to rail against tea-baggers and their id-dominated, fact-challenged, hypocritical hordes.  (Litmus test: Where were all these douche bags in 2002?  2003?  2004? 2005?  Fini.)  I relish the very thought of giving them a taste of their own medicine:  casting aspersions on their “ideas” (and I use the term as loosely as the GOP has used them); insulting their costumes; mocking the legitimacy of their birthing/hatching/budding, and; farting in their general direction.  (I realize such an approach forces me to lower myself to the level of mentally imbalanced Cro-mags, but sometimes one must indeed stoop in order to conquer…or just bash.  I‘m fine with either.)

Glenn beck, Grand High Poobah of the Legion of Dumbfuckery (a.k.a. the "Tea Party"), recently called out the family in TN who lost their mobile home in a fire while a private subscription service fire department responded…only to stand idly by as the family home burned to the ground and their pets died inside.  Why?  The family was late paying the $75 annual fee for fire protection.  (See also: Racketeering.)  While the more sensible among us engaged in "compassion," Beck and loads of his minions held this out as a perfect example of what happens when you don’t play by the rules and fail to pay your fair share.  (Lost on every smear of the stains left by the single-cell thought-like process shared by Beck’s Drecks is the county could’ve taxed the citizens OF that particular county an additional 0.13 per year based on property values and funded a professional, public fire department.  C’est la chickenshits.)  While that alone is bad enough, Beck and his loyal sidekick - whose name I neither know nor have the inclination to Google - started mocking these people, parading them across his national stage in order to do nothing but subject them to national embarrassment while they had absolutely no platform from which to defend themselves.  (A sidebar: I’m fairly certain that makes Beck an “elitist.”  …and a pansy….)

My natural first reaction was, of course, to:

*gag*cough*sputter*choke*asphyxiate*expire*be mourned by fam-n-friends: all so I could roll over in my OWN GODDAM GRAVE*self-resurrect*back to slingin' the vitriol*

...but not JUST at Beck, from whom I expect such drivel.  The firefighters - wait, that’s not the right term….  Fire…mercenaries?  Firemercs?  OK, the people who showed up with all the equipment and presumably expertise to put out a mobile home fire said they were simply following “orders.”  (Ibid, Nuremberg Trials; op cit, Iran-Contra.)  As an ACTUAL public servant (as opposed to a service merchant), I understand the importance of following orders…but I also understand a public servant’s right and responsibility to DISOBEY orders when such orders are illegal, unethical, or flat-out immoral.  At least ONE of those guys should’ve had the sack to turn just ONE hose toward what was early on a manageable fire and put it out, orders be damned.

But then…EPIPHANY!  A society in which every citizen pays for every service on either a subscription or pay-as-you-go basis (a Tea-Bagger paradise) is PERFECT for a guy like ME!

Disband the filthy s-s-s-s-s-socialist union!

Get rid of the “paycheck” system that rewards employees equally, regardless of productivity!

Pay me based SOLELY on individual, measurable performance.  Public service on a commission basis…

Each enforcement action garners a 20% commission.  (Why 20%?  It’s what the market will bear, of course.)  A seat belt ticket puts $12 in my pocket.  Speeding?  $24.  Operation of an Uninsured MV?  Oh, that’s damn near college tuition.  (I would also get 20% commission on any court fees, since my find started the whole process.)  Each offense would be necessarily monetized in such a way, but ya get the basic concept.

Here’s an easily achieved scenario: Writing three speeding tickets an hour for seven hours (allowing one hour to make the appropriate computer entries) means I would make $504 per shift.  Figure at least a warrant arrest a week earns the finder 20% of the most common bond amount ($1000), plus a commission for each  felony arrest based on a Table of Severity and voila!  Pay ME as I go gets me to about $15,000 a month…$225,000 per year.  (I couldn’t be docked simply because someone beat a ticket, criminal charge, or got a warrant quashed, either: such things fall under the purview of the State’s Attorney, so go after HIS check.  It would be my job to CATCH, not clean.)  Combine that with a Tea-Bagger's philosophy on taxation and I could retire comfortably* in just a few years.

In other words: Bring.It.ON!

Oh, I DO relish a Tea-Bag America!  One in which we ALL finally embrace Social Darwinism!  Back to the L-a-a-a-a-a-a-w of the West!  Survival of the Fittest!  We could finally get rid of those stupid borders, too.  After all…as ‘Mer’kins, we can surely beat back a wave of people willing to work longer, harder and for less pay because…well, cuz we’re ‘MER’KINS, dammit!

As the Tea-Baggers (those REAL Merkins**) would put it: “THEY” ain’t “US,” morans!





*     But it won't be here...Too many batshit crazy 'baggers....
**   Please don’t google that term….